After Our Divorce, I Still Wore Your Jacket - Chap 66
What could compensate for Fang Shaoyi? Nothing.
There was always blood filling Fang Shaoyi’s chest tube, an amount that was abnormal for post-surgery. The color of the blood was really dark too. They needed to wheel him out for a lung examination. After the consultation, the doctor said he would wheel Fang Shaoyi downstairs at ten for a CT scan to look at the areas that were bleeding. Yuan Ye told everyone else to head back. Only he, Geng Jinwei, and Ji Xiaotao remained in the hospital. Even if anything happened, or if they needed to wheel Fang Shaoyi around anywhere for an examination, the three of them were enough. It was useless for there to be too many people; the hospital would get annoyed too. What did it seem like when everyone was blocking the hallways? Just looking at such a scene could cause anxiety. Besides, Yuan Ye didn’t really want others seeing how Fang Shaoyi looked right now. He didn’t want Mother and Father Fang to start worrying. Also, he didn’t want anyone else seeing how worse for wear Fang Shaoyi seemed.
Yuan Ye understood him. If not for the fact that he was scared of something suddenly happening and there not being enough people present, Yuan Ye would’ve made every single person leave. Only he himself would need to stay behind.
Nobody mentioned anything about the movie. Right now, Fang Shaoyi was in such a state, so nobody dared to bring it up at all. Whether or not he would wake up and whether or not he would recover were all difficult to tell, because he hadn’t even passed the critical stage yet. It was even more unknown if he would be able to return to filming the movie after recovering. The director didn’t mention this. He didn’t have the energy to think about these things.
If Fang Shaoyi stopped bleeding now, he would be able to slightly move around. They’d also make him practice breathing exercises and coughing or something. However, he kept bleeding from an unknown location. The doctors didn’t dare to let him move at all. If it was a main blood vessel that was bleeding, large movements could cause it to erupt, which would be very dangerous.
Regardless of where he went now, there was always a young doctor following him around. Whenever he needed to travel, he used the doctor access hallways. He didn’t need to go outside and wait for the elevator with everyone else. Fang Shaoyi was awake. Yuan Ye and Ji Xiaotao both had their masks on. Right now, Fang Shaoyi didn’t have his oxygen mask on, though. He looked pretty alert. He told Yuan Ye while in the elevator, “You haven’t rested at all, right?”
Yuan Ye looked down and smiled at him. The smile on his face was covered by his mask, but the warmth and amusement in his eyes weren’t. Yuan Ye said, “I did rest.”
Fang Shaoyi blinked and slowly said, “You’re lying.”
Ji Xiaotao butted in from the side, “Ge, he’s lying.”
Yuan Ye glanced at him. “You’re sure quick to snitch.”
This was the first time Ji Xiaotao was talking to Fang Shaoyi since the accident. These past few days, he had been there every step of the way. Thinking back now, he didn’t even know how he had lived through that panic and fear. He had originally been okay, but after saying the first thing to Fang Shaoyi, he suddenly suffered a mini emotional breakdown. He couldn’t help the souring of his nose.
Geng Jinwei patted him. Fang Shaoyi called out, “Xiaotao.”
“Ey!” Ji Xiaotao sniffled. Voice hoarse, he replied, “I’m here, ge. What’s wrong?”
Fang Shaoyi’s voice was very low. It seemed that speaking was difficult for him. “You stay tonight. Shoo him back for some rest.”
“I shoo him every day and night, but he doesn’t listen.” Ji Xiaotao tugged at his mask and snitched on Yuan Ye, “Right now, he’s acting lawlessly. Ge, teach him a lesson later on.”
Fang Shaoyi made a noise of acknowledgement and silently chuckled. He turned his gaze onto Yuan Ye. Yuan Ye blinked playfully at him.
In the afternoon, the team of doctors that Geng Jinwei had transferred over arrived. They looked over the various test results and reports regarding Fang Shaoyi and held an hour long meeting with the local doctors and the doctors who had performed the emergency surgery at the county hospital. Right now, there were two areas that were bleeding inside Fang Shaoyi. One was the area of his lungs that had been stapled. The other was a blood vessel next to the injury. The doctors would keep a close eye on his condition. If he still didn’t stop bleeding, they would have to perform another thoracoscopy. Yuan Ye was very unwilling for this to happen. It would require Fang Shaoyi going under general anesthesia again, which was the equivalent of getting another surgical procedure done.
Continuous cropping over and over again, who could bear this? Yuan Ye’s heart had already gotten dug out and stomped into pieces once. Now he needed to dig it out again?
Yuan Ye told Fang Shaoyi, “Ge, hurry and stop bleeding for me. Don’t get surgery again. That’d kill me.”
At the time, Yuan Ye had been half-squatting. Fang Shaoyi lifted his hand and rested it on Yuan Ye’s head. With a smile, he told the other, “Okay. I’ll do my best.”
Yuan Ye clung onto his hand. He wanted to squeeze it, but didn’t dare to hold Fang Shaoyi’s hand too tightly: there was a needle in it.
They could only briefly converse on the way to and back from checkups. The remaining time, they were still separated by a door.
Each day Fang Shaoyi spent in the ICU, Yuan Ye stayed with him. He never left, never returned to his room to sleep. There were a few times in between where he went to the hotel that Ji Xiaotao was staying at, which was next to the hospital, and took a shower and changed, but he always immediately returned. Right now, he couldn’t be separated from Fang Shaoyi for too long. He was always scared that when the nurse came out, he wouldn’t be there. Yuan Ye’s heart was glued to the door of the ICU. Even when he went downstairs, he felt like his heart wasn’t in his chest.
Hearing news through the phone. Yuan Ye already hated this feeling to an extreme.
The number of days Fang Shaoyi spent inside was the number of days Yuan Ye waited outside. Even Fang Han’s orders for him to go back and sleep were useless. He didn’t listen to anybody. At night, he would sit in a chair in the hallway and nap. The nurse had told him several times that there was no need for anyone to stay behind now. If anything happened, they would call him. However, Yuan Ye couldn’t leave. His heart was right here. He couldn’t take even a step away.
Fortunately, Fang Shaoyi eventually stopped bleeding, meaning he didn’t need to get another surgical procedure done. Because of this, Yuan Ye gave the other a big kiss on the lips when he came in to visit.
Fang Shaoyi’s hair had all been shaved off. When he had gotten the stitches on the back of his head, the doctors had shaved off a small portion of hair. Thus, he decided to simply shave all his hair off when it came time to change the medicine. It would make things easier while staying in the hospital too.
The day he transferred out from the ICU, he walked out himself. There was still a needle in his hand. He slowly lifted his arms and embraced Yuan Ye. Both of them had lost weight, and not an unnoticeable amount. Yuan Ye was really scared while hugging him. He didn’t know where to put his hands. Fang Shaoyi had wounds on his chest and back. Yuan Ye also couldn’t let his face touch the other’s collarbone. He softly sighed and asked, voice stuffy, “My hands……Where should I put my hands?”
Fang Shaoyi stared at him. He knew that Yuan Ye was suffering in his heart, so he softly chuckled and said by the other’s ear, “……Put them on my butt.”
“Un?” Yuan Ye let go of him and turned around to glance at Ji Xiaotao. Then, he looked at the young doctor who was following them before finally returning his gaze onto Fang Shaoyi. He softly told him, “You mean that you’re not going to do it anymore in the future, right? It’s up to me?”
Fang Shaoyi smiled. He shrugged imperceptibly. “Okay.”
The corners of Yuan Ye’s mouth quirked up. “Keep dreaming.”
A lot of people were waiting for him in the sick room. When Fang Shaoyi walked in, he even joked, “Wow, what a scene. Scared me.”
His parents were both here. Mother Fang’s eyes instantly turned red. She was a very dignified lady. Right now, she had to do her very best to stop herself from crying out loud. Fang Shaoyi slowly walked over and hugged her. He said, “I’m fine now. Don’t worry.”
Mother Fang caressed his face. She didn’t like saying too much in front of others. She only repeatedly stroked him.
His father, Fang Han, said, “It’s good that you’re fine. These things are inevitable. Little Yuan has worked too hard these past few days. Let him get some rest! How nonsensical!”
Yuan Ye cheekily replied, “Actually, after you guys leave every day, I just turn around and find some place to sleep. Who actually stays all night? You really believe that, Dad?”
In front of others, Yuan Ye was still his usual shameless self, capable of joking and laughing. When everyone else left the sick room, though, Yuan Ye grabbed a towel and gently wiped Fang Shaoyi’s head. This was pretty nice. They didn’t even need to wash his hair anymore – they just needed to wipe his head. Right now, the two of them had somewhat matching hairstyles. Fang Shaoyi had also shaved his head once in the past for filming. Yuan Ye wasn’t unfamiliar with this look on him. However, he hadn’t been so skinny at the time. He hadn’t looked so frail either.
Yuan Ye stopped in the middle of wiping the other’s hands. Fang Shaoyi slowly looked up at him. Yuan Ye was largely expressionless. He only stared at Fang Shaoyi and said, “You’re not pretty anymore.”
Fang Shaoyi felt his own face. He smiled at Yuan Ye and said, “I’m no longer good looking, right? Give me some time.”
“Will you be able to recover to the way you were before if I give you some time?” Yuan Ye held the towel in one hand. He used the back of this hand to rub his nose. His voice was a bit hoarse. “You can’t be even the slightest bit different from before.”
“Okay.” Fang Shaoyi clasped onto his hand. He looked up at Yuan Ye. Expression very solemn, he promised, “I can do that.”
He said he was capable of doing this. His gaze was also so comforting. Fang Shaoyi was trying to send a comforting message to him – Yuan Ye looked at him for several minutes, completely still. Neither of them spoke. They only maintained eye contact. Since this injury, they often stared into each other’s eyes in this manner. It was almost as if many things didn’t need to be spoken out loud anymore.
How could they not know what the other was thinking in their heart?
Though Fang Shaoyi had been moved out of the ICU, that didn’t mean that he was fine. He had really and truly suffered serious injuries. These had resulted in him removing a little less than half of a lung lobe. Everyday, he needed to use a nebulizer and practice lung strengthening and capacity increasing exercises. Yuan Ye followed the doctor’s orders and bought a bag of balloons. He ensured that Fang Shaoyi blew these up daily.
When Wei Hua walked in, Fang Shaoyi was in the middle of having a discussion with Yuan Ye. He was asking if he could stop blowing for now.
Yuan Ye asked him, “It hurts?”
“Yeah.” Fang Shaoyi purposefully acted pitiful. “It hurts. Let’s stop, okay?”
“Blow. See how little you’ve blown up?” Yuan Ye was unconvinced. He sat nearby, slicing fruit for the other. Ever since this injury, Fang Shaoyi had become an expert at acting pitiful. He was already so old, which made this very unbearable. Yuan Ye needed to cut the fruit up into little pieces and mix them together before Fang Shaoyi would eat them.
“It hurts. My lungs……” Halfway through his sentence, Fang Shaoyi noticed that Director Wei had walked in. He smiled and greeted the other——“Leader.”
“What’s going on here?” Director Wei entered and stood next to Fang Shaoyi’s bed. He told him, “You look quite well.”
Fang Shaoyi flung the balloon in his hand out so the other could see. He explained, “Yuan Ye watches me to make sure I blow these up everyday.”
“Then blow diligently,” Director Wei told him, slightly amused.
Since Fang Shaoyi had already left the ICU and his condition had basically stabilized, the people here to see him no longer painted their worries and sorrows on their faces. Doing so would be unlucky. The director came to visit him practically everyday. This day, Fang Shaoyi proactively brought up the movie with the director. Actually, there weren’t that many of his scenes left anyways. However, he hadn’t filmed any of the scenes in the latter portion of the movie where the main character had gone insane yet. Director Wei said, “Take good care of your health. You don’t need to worry about anything else. I’ll come up with a plan.”
The current situation this movie was in was truly difficult. The one most stressed was the director. Right now, some people in the film crew were discussing in private about how this movie had been cursed from beginning to end. The director and that old tree didn’t get along, so everything was going badly. Director Wei had been making movies for his entire life; none of his film sets had been as unfortunate as this one. Halfway through filming, the lead actor had encountered trouble, so they had switched actors. Now, the replacement actor had gotten into an accident and almost died. Yuan Ye had also fallen out of the tree and twisted his ankle. Nothing had gone smoothly. A strangely large number of accidents had occurred. At this time, they didn’t know if Fang Shaoyi would be able to recover. Even if he did, would he still be able to film? If not, would Fang Shaoyi allow them to get someone else to film the scenes and just have his face edited in?
Right now, nobody dared to ask about this at all. Whether or not this movie would die in the womb was something nobody could confirm. Should they even continue filming such an unlucky movie? What would be the results if they did? These couldn’t be predicted. From start to finish, the director didn’t say anything. Everyone kept their mouths shut.
Fang Shaoyi needed to start holding onto his ribs and coughing every few sentences he spoke. Coughing was a good thing. After he finished coughing, Yuan Ye handed the fruit over to him so he could wet his throat. Fang Shaoyi even joked with the director, “My current body size and weight are perfect for the later scenes. But I can’t film the scenes where he’s young anymore. My image doesn’t match. Time to find a body double, I guess.”
Director Wei didn’t respond. He only waved his hands.
Fang Shaoyi knew what he was thinking. He called out, “Director.”
Director Wei gazed at him. There was a permanent crease in his forehead because of how often he was furrowing his brows together. Fang Shaoyi solemnly said, “You know what condition I’m in right now. It’s true that I won’t be able to rejoin the crew anytime soon. If you wanted me to get up and continue filming next month, that’d be unrealistic. I wouldn’t be able to. But since I’ve accepted this role, I have to finish filming it. I know what pressures you’re dealing with now. Tell everyone to rest at ease. Aside from the inevitable delay in time, nothing else will be affected.”
How difficult was it for Fang Shaoyi to say so much in one breath? As soon as he finished speaking, he started incessantly coughing. Yuan Ye walked over and gently patted him. Director Wei watched them. For a long time, he didn’t say anything. When he spoke up again, he heaved out a long exhale first. As usual, his voice carried with it the wisdom of a man who had experienced many difficulties in life. This wisdom was a culmination of a lifetime of encounters. “Child……I’m not here to discuss the movie with you.”
This call of “child” made one feel a bit dazed. It had been several years since Fang Shaoyi had heard Director Wei referring to him like this. He had only been sixteen when he had filmed his first movie. At that time, Director Wei would always call him “child” when talking to him. Later on, he continued using this term too. Eventually, though, Fang Shaoyi grew up. It no longer became appropriate to call him “child.”
Fang Shaoyi hadn’t initially accepted this role. Director Wei had been the one who had asked him to save the movie. Fang Shaoyi had almost lost his life there. Everybody could tell what pain the director was suffering though.
Fang Shaoyi smiled at him in a slightly childlike manner. It was a very simple and somewhat innocent smile. He held his hands out at the other, saying, “I’m only an actor. If you won’t discuss the movie with me, what can we discuss?”
Regarding this, Yuan Ye and Fang Shaoyi hadn’t had a conversation yet. It wasn’t important. Yuan Ye knew Fang Shaoyi too well. He had never suspected that Fang Shaoyi wouldn’t finish filming this movie.
Yuan Ye had just gone outside to give the string of balloons Fang Shaoyi had inflated to the kid in the sick room next door. Recently, he gifted these balloons everyday. The little kid was very happy. As soon as Yuan Ye returned, Fang Shaoyi called out to him, “I want to use the restroom.”
Yuan Ye’s sleeves were rolled up to his elbows. He agreed, then revealed a slightly wicked smile. He purposefully asked, “I’ll help you catch it?”
“Would you cut it out already?” Fang Shaoyi didn’t know whether to laugh or cry. “Do you have some sort of obsession? If you’re absolutely determined to catch it for me, if you’re going to feel uncomfortable if you don’t, I can satisfy your desires once.”
There had been a few days in the ICU where Fang Shaoyi hadn’t been able to move at all. At that time, there had been a bedpan. When he had moved out of the ICU, the nurse had brought all his stuff over too. Yuan Ye kept wanting to try using the bedpan once, but right now, Fang Shaoyi could already move and walk around. How could it be possible for him to use that thing?
“Am I the one with the obsession?” Yuan Ye walked over and helped him up. He walked Fang Shaoyi over to the restroom. “Am I the one with the obsession or are you?”
Fang Shaoyi was absolutely capable of going to the bathroom himself, but he was determined to get Yuan Ye to help him – the entire time. Ever since he had gotten injured, he had been like this. Yuan Ye stood behind him, helping him. In this position, he was basically embracing the other from behind. This was comparable to the most intimate positions. It could even be considered more intimate than making love. If one didn’t absolutely love the person before them with their entire soul, they wouldn’t treat them in such a manner. They also wouldn’t be capable of being so naturally intimate.
After, the two of them stood up together and washed their hands in the sink. Fang Shaoyi adjusted the water temperature. After squeezing out some hand soap and lathering it in his palms, he caught both of Yuan Ye’s hands and carefully started scrubbing them for him. Four hands were intertwined together, their smooth fingers tightly entangling. Added together, they were over seventy in age, but they actually spent a really long time playing with bubbles like this. Eventually, Yuan Ye burst into laughter first. He asked, “What are you doing?”
Fang Shaoyi lowered his head and said, “Washing your hands for you.”
There was another bed in this room that could be used by the family member who was staying behind to care for the patient. This was Yuan Ye’s bed. Previously, Yuan Ye had spent so many nights in the hallway. Now that he had a bed, he still couldn’t sleep too peacefully. He always woke up in the middle of the night to check on Fang Shaoyi. He knew each time Fang Shaoyi turned over or coughed overnight.
Fang Shaoyi tried to cough softly a few times. Then, he sat up. Yuan Ye asked him, “What’s wrong, ge?”
Fang Shaoyi looked over. He asked, “I woke you up?”
“No. I can’t sleep peacefully.” Yuan Ye stood and walked over. He poured Fang Shaoyi a glass of water and handed it over for him to drink.
Fang Shaoyi knew he couldn’t sleep peacefully. He thought about it before saying, “Move your bed over. I’ll hold you while you sleep.”
Yuan Ye actually carefully considered this. Ultimately, he still shook his head. “Don’t. I might accidentally bump into something and hurt you.”
Fang Shaoyi turned on the light by the head of his bed. Yuan Ye’s expression was gentle and full of adoration. He inquired, “Not sleeping anymore?”
Yuan Ye’s chin had gotten sharper. Fang Shaoyi observed his face and suddenly said to him, “Sorry.”
Yuan Ye froze because of this. After freezing up, he burst into laughter. He asked, “Where’s your apology coming from? What are you sorry for?”
Fang Shaoyi lifted his hand and gently stroked the spot over Yuan Ye’s heart. Then, he softly placated, “……Don’t be scared.”
Things had originally been fine and Yuan Ye had been acting like nothing was wrong. Now, Fang Shaoyi had used three words to cause all of Yuan Ye’s walls to break down. This breakdown could even be heard – one by one, each brick snapped in half.
In the beginning, the first time that Fang Shaoyi had passed out in front of Yuan Ye because of his jet lag syndrome, Yuan Ye had been so scared that his lips had turned white Even though he had only been a young adult at the time, he was now close to turning thirty five. He was truly an adult who could handle a lot of stress. He had handled it for so many days already. How badass.
Yuan Ye first froze in place. Then, he suddenly bent over and buried his face against the edge of Fang Shaoyi’s bed. He curled up, shoulders trembling. The trembles got more and more obvious. In the end, he started shaking like he was spasming.
Fang Shaoyi caressed his head repeatedly. He also repeatedly apologized to him.
“I don’t accept your apology.” When Yuan Ye spoke, his voice sounded really nasally. His anger was filled with petulance. He clung tightly to Fang Shaoyi’s blanket, his entire back trembling. “What use is your apology……”
“These past few days, my heart has been yanked out and stomped on until it shattered into powdered pieces. What can an apology make up for?!”
“It kept raining on the island. I couldn’t get back to the mainland. Xiaotao said that you were injured, that rebar had passed through your chest, and that you had lost consciousness. But I couldn’t get back!”
Yuan Ye had already lost control of his voice. He buried his face into the edge of the bed and took a few deep breaths. “You think I’ll stop feeling scared just because you’re telling me to? You want to try?”
“I’ll be laying inside while you stand outside. You try it!”
“I almost wished I could swim back……Do you know what despair is……”
Fang Shaoyi continuously stroked Yuan Ye’s head, gently patting his neck and back. He never stopped apologizing and telling Yuan Ye that there was no need to be scared anymore.
Broken gasps escaped from Yuan Ye’s throat uncontrollably. He waved Fang Shaoyi’s hands away. “I wanted to dig my lungs out and give them to you, as long as you would stop bleeding and recover from your fever!”
“These past few days, I……You don’t even know how fucking regretful I’ve felt these past few days……Why did I give you lucky money this New Year? I never gave you any in the past. What the fuck was wrong with me to give you lucky money this year?! I simply shouldn’t have given it to you. I didn’t manage to hold anything down……”
Right now, Fang Shaoyi’s heart had been pulled out and stomped into pieces too. Every word Yuan Ye said caused his heart to twist in pain. Fang Shaoyi knew the other was scared. Whether at age seventeen or now, Yuan Ye had never changed. He had always been very timid in this regard.
Which was why the only thought on Fang Shaoyi’s mind before he had lost consciousness had been Yuan Ye. What a mess. Little Monkey is going to be scared to death.
Fang Shaoyi’s eyes were blood red. He looked down at Yuan Ye, pressing his palm against the back of the other’s head. In a deep voice, he said, “How could I leave you to be alone in this world?”