Drunk In Love (Years of Intoxication) - Chap 44
As the weather warmed up, Song Juhan slowly returned to the public eye. In order to regain public favour, he didn’t start by taking on his own work, but instead accompanied Vanessa to her charity events. Occasionally, he would also appear on gossip headlines with the actress Zhang Xiaoli, along with a ‘candid’ shot of the two.
Throughout his entire life, Song Juhan had only publicly disclosed his romantic relationships once. It was back when he was a teenager studying music in the States. He had dated the daughter of the grandfather of pop. The two were of a similar age, with outstanding looks, and came from renowned families. Although the relationship started well, it was destined to fail, since it was nearly impossible that their relationship could mature and last through their ever-changing public lives. Now that daughter had already divorced and remarried again, yet Song Juhan had stayed ‘single’ the entire time, despite his endless illicit scandals.
Lately, the media had been speculating about whether Song Juhan would publicise his relationship with Zhang Xiaoli to fight back against the rumours of his homosexuality. After all, Zhang Xiaoli wasn’t just a pretty face, she was also from a prominent family, and was suitably matched with Song Juhan.
Every time Song Juhan saw the articles, he would scoff disdainfully. “All those photos are fake. They’re photos we paid people to ‘secretly’ take. After they took one, she would always complain that the angle was bad and made her look short. As if the camera’s to blame…”
He Gu just kept his mouth shut.
Song Juhan pulled He Gu tightly into his arms and said, “It’s all fake, she’s just another contracted artist in our company. You don’t mind, right?”
“I don’t mind.”
Song Juhan kissed him fiercely on the mouth before he said coquettishly, “But I want to see you jealous.”
“…You don’t want that.”
Having been idle for so long, He Gu started to feel a sense of unease. But just as he had said himself, it was impossible for him to find a job in Beijing at the moment. That being the case, he thought about starting his own business, but with his lack of social skills, he thought that would be an even bigger challenge than simply finding a job. In the end, He Gu decided to give Gu Qingpei a call to seek some advice.
He could never have imagined that in such a short time, something worse would happen to Gu Qingpei.
Since he resigned from Nanchuang, He Gu and Chen Shan had kept in contact. That day, Chen Shan called him out of the blue and said something had happened to Gu Qingpei. He Gu swallowed visibly as he asked with trepidation “What, what happened?”
“I only found out today… but it turns out Chief Gu is also gay. Actually, it’s not just me, I think everyone probably knows now.”
“…What do you mean?”
“Explicit photos of Gu Qingpei and a man have been sent to the corporate mailbox of his new company. You know how popular he is, there’s simply too many people that know Gu Qingpei. Now the entire industry knows… Do you want to see them, too? I have some here.”
He Gu shivered, then took a deep breath. He could still feel a chill running through him as he trembled all over. “I won’t see them.” More than anyone else, He Gu understood the shameful and embarrassing feeling of being stripped bare for all to see.
“It’s actually not that explicit, only his upper body is revealed. But Chief Gu’s face was exposed, whilst the other man was covered.”
Without much effort He Gu could probably guess what happened. The man behind the other blurred face was Yuan Yang. In that case, the person who spread the photos would probably be Yuan Lijiang, who did it to deliberately retaliate against their relationship. Yuan Lijiang was from a revolutionary background* and was very conservative. How could he possibly tolerate such a scandal from his eldest son?
*红色背景 – lit. Red background, fig. Revolutionary. Red was the symbolic colour of the Chinese Revolution.
With a sigh, Chen Shan said, “Chief Gu is so pitiful. He’s such a good and dignified person, what will he do now?”
“Chen Shan, you should delete that email, and urge everyone else in the company to delete it, too. I’ll give Director Sun a call myself and get him to prevent these things from spreading in Nanchuang. If you know anyone that’s continuing to spread this around, let me know. Chief Gu has made great contributions to the development of Nanchuang. If we let these rumours slander his private life, how can Nanchuang still be called a dignified business?”
Chen Shan immediately answered in a solemn manner, “Chief He, you’re* right. I will get them all to delete it straight away.”
*您 – you (polite form) Chen Shan uses the polite form of ‘you’ in this instance, to show her respect for He Gu’s noble actions.
After he hung up, He Gu’s hand was still trembling. He couldn’t even begin to imagine what Gu Qingpei must be feeling at the moment. The man was always high-spirited and full of confidence. He always appeared impeccable and elegant in public. How could he survive suffering such utter humiliation…
It wasn’t until he took a few deep breaths did He Gu manage to calm down his inner turmoil and give the Chairman of Nanchuang a call. Director Sun had always been very appreciative of He Gu’s work ethic and felt quite helpless and regretful over his recent resignation. After hearing what He Gu had to say, he was clearly appalled by the injustice of the situation and promised not to let those photos spread within Nanchuang.
He Gu played down the situation, and said he was still taking a break from work.
Director Sun fell silent for a moment before he said, “I know it’s hard for you to find employment at the moment. Nanchuang has a lot of international subsidiaries. Although I can’t offer you a position in our head office here in China, you can choose from any of our international companies. Though I must say, our main business is in energy, so I’m not sure if there’ll be a suitable position for you anywhere. But as long as you want it, I can get you a position.”
“Thank you Director Sun,” said He Gu gratefully. Although he didn’t want to go abroad, He Gu was still quite touched that his boss was thinking about his future.
After he hung up, He Gu gave Gu Qingpei a call. Indeed, the number had already been disconnected.
Grabbing his keys and coat, He Gu decided to drive to Gu Qingpei’s home and check on the man himself. But no matter how many times he rang the doorbell, no one answered. Reluctantly, He Gu could only return home.
Once he got home, He Gu suddenly remembered something and quickly called the head of HR at Nanchuang. He asked her for Gu Qingpei’s emergency contact, and managed to get a hold of Gu Qingpei’s father’s number.
The call connected almost immediately, He Gu carefully said, “Hello uncle. Nice to meet you. I’m Gu Qingpei’s friend.”
“Oh, Qingpei’s friend… Hello. Um, how did you get my number?”
“His phone was switched off and I urgently needed to get in touch with him, so I asked the company for your number.”
“What urgent matter? Did something happen?”
“Nothing major, just something to do with work.” He Gu felt relieved; obviously Gu Qingpei’s father still didn’t know anything. “So are you able to get in touch with him?”
“He just came home yesterday.” Uncle Gu let out a sigh and continued, “Something must’ve happened at work – he’s been down since he got here. I’ve never seen him like this. Did he do something wrong at work? Will he be fired for it?”
He Gu felt his heart clench. “No, he didn’t do anything wrong. Can I speak to him quickly?”
“Sure, wait a minute.”
The sound of knocking could be heard over the phone, then Uncle Gu’s voice as he said, “Qingpei, your friend is on the phone.”
After a moment, Uncle Gu asked, “What’s your name?”
“He Gu.”
After another few seconds, the rustling sound of the phone being passed over could be heard before Gu Qingpei’s tired voice said, “He Gu.”
He Gu felt horrible at the sound of Gu Qingpei’s lifeless tone. “Chief Gu, are you okay?” he asked.
With a bitter laugh Gu Qingpei gave another short answer, “Obviously not.”
“Is there anything I can help you with?”
“Can you call Director Sun, and tell him…”
“I’ve already called him.”
Gu Qingpei let out a long sigh. “He Gu, you’re as dependable as ever.”
“Of course. Is there anything else I can do for you?”
“Not really, no one can help me with this. Right now, I just hope my parents don’t find out.”
He Gu was silent for a moment. “Chief Gu, you consoled me when I went through something similar at the beginning of this year. I still remember your words from back then. I know I’m not great at comforting others, and I’m not as eloquent as you, but I can repeat exactly what you told me so you can cheer up a little.”
Gu Qingpei laughed. “This is the first time I’ve heard of someone consoling others like this, but it is very effective, thank you. To be honest, logically, I know everything will be fine, it’s just that I need some time to adjust. Lately, my… state of mind has been quite bad, but don’t worry – this kind of setback won’t push me down.”
“That’s good. You’re much better than me, so I believe you.”
“No, you’re much stronger than me,” said Gu Qingpei quietly. “I’ve only liked him for a year, and I already can’t take it. You’ve had seven years together… I can’t imagine how you must’ve endured that.”
He Gu was stunned as a surge of overwhelming emotions rushed through him.
He wasn’t even sure why; after everything he had endured – no matter how painful it was – he had never cried. It was only when he heard about Song Juhan and Feng Zheng’s past did he shed tears for the first time ever. But because of Gu Qingpei’s one sentence, He Gu felt his heart tighten painfully.
“I’m such a failure,” said Gu Qingpei self-deprecatingly. “When I was still young, carefree, and without a worry in the world, I didn’t go and experience the love and loss of relationships. But now that I’m at this age, I’ve gone and completely destroyed everything in one fell swoop. It really is… fate.”
He Gu let out a deep sigh and said hoarsely, “Yes, fate.”
After He Gu hung up, his mood was especially bad. He was so infuriated, but oddly he didn’t know what he was angry about. Gu Qingpei’s state right now simply reminded He Gu of himself from a few months ago. At that time, he was full of resentment, helplessness, frustration, and pain – so much pain. He Gu shuddered at the thought. He didn’t even want to think about it anymore.
Luckily, Gu Qingpei was just like him. He was able to endure tough situations, and once he overcame this obstacle, he would be fine.
It’s just that the scar in his heart would never heal in this lifetime.
He Gu sat motionless for a long time, until the doorbell suddenly rang. Jumping up in surprise, he finally came back to his senses. His first thought as he went to open the door was that Song Juhan must’ve come again. But the person standing on the other side of the door made him pause in confusion.
It was a woman. She wore a huge pair of sunglasses, covering almost half of her face. Even then, it wasn’t able to hide her exquisite and delicate features.
Vaguely, He Gu thought she looked familiar. “Hi, who are you looking for?” he asked.
She took off her sunglasses, revealing a gentle and beautiful face. Her luminous and magnetic eyes were so captivating, paired with lustrous dark hair flowing down her flawlessly fair skin. Those delicate features prompted protective instincts out of all that laid eyes on her.
He Gu recognised her instantly. It was Song Juhan’s latest rumoured girlfriend – Zhang Xiaoli.
With a faint smile, she said, “Hi, you must be He Gu.”
He Gu’s chest tightened in response as he answered emotionlessly, “Yes.”
Zhang Xiaoli tucked her hair behind her ear, looking a little sheepish yet flirtatious at the same time. “Can I come in and have a chat with you?” she asked.
“It’s improper for a young girl like you to come and go from a strange man’s house.” Instinctively, He Gu wanted to avoid this person; deep down he knew she would only bring him pain.
Zhang Xiaoli was stunned for a moment before she chuckled dryly, “It doesn’t matter, I know you… you won’t be interested in me.”
He Gu glanced at her briefly, then moved aside to let her in.
The corner of Zhang Xiaoli’s lips lifted up slightly in a polite smile as she elegantly moved around He Gu and walked in. Even He Gu’s cool and indifferent expression didn’t deter her.
He Gu squeezed the door handle tightly for a moment before he gently shut the door.
Sitting on the sofa, Zhang Xiaoli looked around the apartment until her gaze fell on He Gu. “Was this place recently refurbished? I can still smell the paint. Isn’t it unhealthy to be in an environment like this?”
“It’s fine for a short while.”
“I wasn’t talking about me, I was worried about you,” said Zhang Xiaoli awkwardly.
He Gu didn’t answer her, but instead got straight to the point. “Excuse me, but is there something you want?”
Zhang Xiaoli pursed her lips, “En. You must already know about me and Song Juhan. I know about you, too, so you don’t have to be nervous.”
He Gu said calmly, “Zhang-xiaojie*, you look more nervous than me.”
*小姐 – xiaojie, a suffix used with someone’s name. It can mean young lady, miss, or as a slang word it can mean prostitute.
Zhang Xiaoli frowned and stayed quiet for a while. “Actually, I thought about this for a long time. I didn’t know whether I should come see you myself…”
“Who gave you my address?”
Faltering slightly, Zhang Xiaoli mumbled, “Uh…”
“Who gave it to you?” He Gu stared straight at her with a dark yet reserved expression in his eyes.
Zhang Xiaoli’s shoulders slumped as she said, “Chief Song gave it to me.”
“Your Chief Song really possesses remarkable abilities,” said He Gu mockingly.
Zhang Xiaoli fiddled with her immaculately neat hair. “I know I’m being quite rude and you’re probably not happy about this. But I couldn’t exactly arrange to meet you anywhere in public, since the fans would recognise us immediately. So I decided to come to your home instead. Mm… I thought, regardless, I should come see you myself. After all, if Juhan and I were to get married, I wanted to know whether I could accept you or not.”
He Gu felt like he’d been struck by lightning!
Ma… Married?!
Zhang Xiaoli watched He Gu’s reaction, then said with surprise, “You… you didn’t know?”
A sharp pain surged through He Gu’s chest as if he’d been stabbed in the heart.
Married…
He clenched his fists and gritted his teeth, “Continue.”
Song Juhan – how do you always find new ways to ‘surprise’ me. Every time I think I’ve reached rock bottom, you somehow manage to bury me a few metres deeper.
My heart has already been emptied out, to the point that there isn’t even a shred of flesh left.
Zhang Xiaoli rolled her eyes, then revealed the same elegant and sweet smile from before, “Juhan said he would tell you – we planned to get engaged by the end of the year. I guess it’s still over half a year away, that’s why he hasn’t told you yet.”
He Gu heard his own toneless voice as he said, “Then why are you here now?”
“Our marriage is quite unusual and there are many conditions attached to it, but I really do like him.” Zhang Xiaoli smiled, “I know your relationship is very good and that you’re probably a really nice person, otherwise Juhan wouldn’t have been with you for so many years. I think… I can accept you after all.”
He Gu closed his eyes for a moment; the air around him felt heavier by the second as he found himself unable to breathe.
This young lady was basically slapping his face over and over again. He Gu felt so ashamed, he wanted to disappear on the spot.
When Xiao Song called him Song Juhan’s ‘legal wife’, He Gu already found it hard to swallow. But the thing that was even worse than that was that he was about to lose that title, too.
What this young lady thought of him was the same as what Song Juhan thought of him.
To Song Juhan, He Gu was nothing more than a ‘mistress’.
If it wasn’t for it being the wrong moment right then, He Gu really wanted to burst out into fits of laughter.
Absolutely ridiculous – this was simply too ridiculous. His entire existence, or this whole situation, was fucking disgusting, yet ridiculous.
He Gu thought he had been cautious enough in only giving over half of himself. He thought, this time round, he held a slight advantage in their awfully complicated relationship, but Song Juhan somehow still managed to stab him right where it hurts most.
In seven years, this stab was the deepest, strongest, and most painful of them all.
Zhang Xiaoli observed He Gu, a hint of a smile flickered in her eyes as she continued, “I’m a really easy person to get along with. I think we can get along just fine. Don’t worry, I won’t ask Juhan to always be with me.”
He Gu looked at her dumbfoundedly; his gaze seemed to stare right through her towards an unknown location.
“Mmm… I know it’s hard for you to find work right now. If you don’t mind, I can help you with that. How about you come be my assistant? The pay is up to you. Plus, this way you can always see Juhan, and he won’t be distracted from his work because of you…”
He Gu’s gaze finally returned to her face. Out of nowhere, he laughed stiffly and said, “Sure, my annual salary is six hundred thousand yuan plus year-end bonus. I work forty hours a week. Overtime is paid at three times normal rates, and in addition to statutory holidays, I want ten paid days off.”
Zhang Xiaoli’s expression became uglier the longer she listened to He Gu’s words. After a while, she stammered, “A celebrity’s assistant… doesn’t have a fixed schedule.”
He Gu replied calmly, “In that case, I don’t think you can hire me.”
The only evidence of Zhang Xiaoli’s annoyance was her fingers tightening around the fabric of her delicate skirt as she slowly stood up. “All in all, I just want to get to know you first. I hope we’ll get along amicably in the future. Don’t worry, I won’t bother you any longer, I’ll leave now.”
“Feel free to see yourself out.”
After Zhang Xiaoli left, He Gu collapsed on the sofa, panting heavily and struggling to breathe as he pressed the palm of his hand against his chest in an attempt to resist the suffocating pain.
With trembling fingers, He Gu grabbed his phone and sent a message to Song Juhan: Are you coming over tonight?
Song Juhan quickly replied: I’ll be there in a second. Wait for me, babe.
He Gu looked at the offending word ‘babe’, and finally broke into an uncontrollable fit of laughter. The hysterical and choked laughter echoed around the empty room, sounding especially grim and chillingly cold.
When Song Juhan arrived, He Gu had already taken a cold shower and changed into a new set of home clothes. As usual, he appeared calm and collected.
Song Juhan went straight to the table to put down the things he brought with him. “My friend gave me some very nice bird’s nest soup. It’s good for your health. Look at you, lately you’ve been eating a lot but not gaining weight at all.”
Carefully, He Gu looked at Song Juhan, observing the other man from head to toe without missing a single inch.
Song Juhan got goosebumps from the way He Gu was staring at him wordlessly. “What’s wrong with you?” he asked.
He Gu raised his eyes slowly to meet the other man, then got straight to the point, “Zhang Xiaoli came to see me today.”
Song Juhan froze, his eyes wide like saucers, “Who?”
“Zhang Xiaoli, your rumoured girlfriend. Or should I say – your fiancée?”
Song Juhan’s face changed immediately as he raised his voice, “Why would she come here?! What nonsense did she spout?!”
He Gu’s expression was as cold as the frozen ice caps, and without exposing a hint of his inner emotions, he said with a stony face, “She said you’re getting married by the end of the year, and that she wanted to get to know me beforehand.”
Song Juhan exploded into a rage as he yelled, “That fucking idiot! Has she gone insane?!”
“It was your dad who gave her my address.”
Song Juhan pulled his phone out angrily, thought of something, then threw the phone away. He rushed over to stand in front of He Gu, and said irritably,“It’s not what you think. Don’t think of anything and just listen to me first.”
He Gu said calmly, “Go on, explain.”
Pulling on his hair, Song Juhan started to explain with a sullen face, “My reputation is in shreds right now. My dad wants to suppress the rumours of my homosexuality, so he found her to divert the attention. He wants us to arrange a contract marriage, so we can have a kid together and settle down…”
“Oh, you’ll have a kid together as well.” He Gu couldn’t feel anything anymore. He spoke to Song Juhan mechanically as if his soul was floating outside of his body, watching this farce indifferently.
“If you can’t accept it, we’ll use IVF. I won’t touch her.” The more Song Juhan tried to defend the situation, the guiltier he got; coupled with He Gu’s numb expression, Song Juhan felt extremely flustered. “He Gu, I’ve never touched her, and I don’t even like her at all. I will keep my word and do what I promised you. To be honest, it doesn’t really matter to me whether I get married or not – it’s just in name anyways.”
He Gu nodded.
“So…” Song Juhan asked nervously, “So you… don’t mind?”
He Gu watched Song Juhan for a moment before he revealed a faint smile, “I don’t mind.”
It turned out when the heart was completely dead, you wouldn’t feel pain anymore. Perfect, just perfect.
Song Juhan immediately let out a sigh of relief. “I knew you couldn’t bear to see me in a difficult situation. Whether I get married or not, I promise I only want you.”
“Sure.”
Song Juhan gave him a gentle kiss, then pulled him tightly into his arms. “I feel most at ease when I’m with you. You’ve been by my side for so many years now, I can’t live without you anymore.”
He Gu felt dazed as he nuzzled closer to the faint scent in Song Juhan’s hair.
It was like he had experienced death – the kind where you feel a complete sense of loss in both strength and hope. The only thing left was a feeling of nothingness. This was what He Gu imagined the end of life would be like, to the point he didn’t even feel like retaliating at all.
That night, they made love like crazy. Song Juhan was both surprised and excited at He Gu’s unusual enthusiasm as he pressed him to the bed for the entire night. They only stopped when the two passed out from exhaustion and fell asleep.
As they drifted off, He Gu had a beautiful dream. In the dream, they returned to high school where He Gu watched Song Juhan from far, far away, whilst Song Juhan didn’t seem to know him at all. Once again, He Gu was able to experience that excitement he felt as he secretly watched his idol from a distance. It was a wonderful feeling.
If only life could return to the moment we first met.
