Drunk In Love (Years of Intoxication) - Chap 50
Looking back, He Gu realised he’d already been on the isolated island for a whole week. If he didn’t hurry and contact the housekeeper back in Paris, they’d probably get in touch with his mother. In the end, He Gu went to Song Juhan and asked to use his phone.
With his legs crossed, Song Juhan leaned against the desk and waved his phone around as he said slyly, “Give me a kiss.”
He Gu said expressionlessly, “I’m not joking around with you. Do you really want my mom to call the police?”
“I’m not joking around. If you come and give me a kiss yourself, I’ll give you the phone.” Song Juhan looked at He Gu without blinking.
Without hesitation, He Gu walked over to place a quick kiss on Song Juhan’s forehead and at the same time reached out to grab the phone.
Just as He Gu tried to pull away, Song Juhan grabbed his waist with one hand and circled the other behind He Gu’s head to hold the other man in place. Then he forcefully captured his lips in a bruising kiss, sucking and licking his lips greedily.
This was the taste of He Gu, the taste of his He Gu. Song Juhan couldn’t describe just how much he had missed this taste.
He Gu frowned deeply as he tried and failed to push the other man away. Without any other options, He Gu bit down on those soft and tender lips.
Song Juhan lips trembled in pain as he reluctantly pulled back. Using his finger, he lightly touched the torn flesh on the corner of his lips, then stared at the dark red blood on his fingertip. With a look of bewilderment, he said, “You… bit me?”
He Gu pulled a piece of tissue from the box on the desk and handed it to Song Juhan.
Song Juhan glared at him, hesitating for a moment before reaching out to take the proffered tissue. He Gu put the tissue in his hand, then took the opportunity to snatch the phone off him at the same time. He walked over to the window as he dialed the familiar number.
Behind him came Song Juhan’s angered shout, “He Gu!”
He Gu gave his mother a call to say he had gone out to play with his colleagues so he wasn’t in Paris at the moment. He also told her not to worry about him and that he was fine. His mother sounded quite busy over the phone; obviously she had a lot to deal with before she was admitted to the hospital for her treatment. The two quickly exchanged a few words before hanging up.
The moment he turned around He Gu saw Song Juhan staring at him angrily.
He Gu threw the phone back at him and turned to leave.
Song Juhan grabbed He Gu’s arm and said frustratedly, “Can I not even kiss you now? You slept with that driver, but I can’t even kiss you a little?!”
“We’ve already broken up, this kind of intimacy is inappropriate.” He Gu looked at him calmly as he added, “What? If I say ‘no’, are you going to force me again?”
Song Juhan was so enraged it was as if his head would start steaming any second; angrily, he gritted out, “My… My lips, you bit my lips! How could you actually have the heart to do that!”
“It’ll be fine in two days, don’t be so squeamish.” He Gu wanted to pull his arm back, but Song Juhan held on to him and refused to let go.
Song Juhan said through gritted teeth, “He Gu, why haven’t I strangled you to death yet?”
“Murder is illegal.” He Gu looked at Song Juhan’s enraged expression and felt a touch of sorrow in his heart.
There was a time when He Gu would’ve done anything for Song Juhan. Just because Song Juhan complained of a slight ‘headache’, He Gu went on a course to learn Tuina*. Just how much love did he have for the man to generate such enthusiasm and energy? Perhaps everyone has a predetermined limit to how much they can give to love. For some, love lasts for a long time. Once they commit, it’s a lifelong promise. But for others, like him, he spent seven years opening the floodgates and uncontrollably used up all his ability to love in one fell swoop.
*Tuina (推拿) – a form of Chinese massage therapy
Yet now, He Gu no longer wanted to do anything for Song Juhan.
The human heart can be passionately hot one moment, and icy cold the next.
Song Juhan glared fiercely at He Gu, as if he was really about to lunge forward and strangle him. But in the end, all Song Juhan could do was tighten his grip on He Gu’s arm and refuse to let go.
He Gu shook his head, “What’s the point in you doing this? I can no longer treat you the way I used to, and you can no longer see the He Gu you wanted from the past. The advantages I once had are all gone, and the me you want doesn’t exist anymore. What need do you have for the me right now?”
“What do you mean ‘what need’? Do you think I only came looking for you because of those so-called advantages of yours?!”
“Isn’t it?” He Gu looked at him quietly, “You said you can’t leave me, isn’t it just because I once treated you well? That I was docile and obedient? But right now, I’m no longer like that, so what do you still want me for?”
“I just want you as a person!” Song Juhan’s penetrating stare cut right through He Gu as he said, “There’s tons of people that treat me well and are docile and obedient to me. But none of them are you, He Gu. I just want you. You said you can’t treat me well anymore – that’s fine. This time, I’ll be good to you.”
He Gu was shocked by the look of determination in Song Juhan’s eyes. He hesitated for a moment before he said, “If you think about this rationally, you’ll realise that what you’re doing is completely meaningless.”
“Fuck that.” Song Juhan pulled He Gu into an embrace and said in a low voice, “It doesn’t matter if you’re not nice to me, it’s enough as long as you’re by my side.” Only when you’re by my side can I stop feeling this sense of unease and panic. Only with you by my side do I feel complete.
He Gu let out a helpless sigh.
That afternoon, Song Juhan had another lousy idea* again. Mysteriously, he dragged He Gu to the dining room and forced him into a chair, then said, “Sit here and don’t move.”
*lousy idea (幺蛾子) – a Beijing slang meaning a lousy idea, or to create something from nothing, or to make trouble out of nothing.
He Gu frowned as he stared at him.
Song Juhan turned and went into the kitchen. A moment later he came out holding a tray and placed it in front of He Gu.
On the tray was a pot of stew, a slightly burnt omelette, a plate of fried okra that didn’t seem quite cooked and a bowl of rice.
Song Juhan pulled a chair over, spun it around and straddled the chair backwards with his elbows resting on the back rest. With an expression full of anticipation, he lifted his chin at He Gu and said, “Try it.”
He Gu pointed at the dishes. “You made this?” he asked.
Song Juhan nodded as he proudly announced, “This is the first time I’ve cooked in my entire life. I think it looks alright.” He started to explain each of the dishes, “This is radish and chicken soup, omelette, fried okra, and chicken oil rice.”
“Who taught you?”
Hari was that Indian housekeeper and the Chinese dishes he made were very delicious.
At that, He Gu felt a little more relieved. He picked up the spoon and tried a spoonful of the soup. It was a little hot but tasted alright.
Song Juhan’s eyes lit up. “How is it? Is it good?”
“Have you not tried any of this yourself?”
“I think the soup tastes quite good. I just didn’t know if you’d be a picky eater or not.”
“If someone as picky as you thinks it tastes alright then of course I won’t have a problem with it.” He Gu then tried a piece of the fried okra – indeed, it was still raw. Grabbing a piece of tissue, he spat it out.
Song Juhan’s expression changed instantly. “What’s wrong?”
“It’s a little raw.”
“Let me fry it again.”
“Nevermind. I don’t eat much in the evenings anyways.” He Gu started to eat the slightly burnt omelette.
Song Juhan rested his chin on the back of his hand as he watched the other man unblinkingly. His deep and bright eyes shone and glittered like the most precious stones.
After a few more mouthfuls, He Gu couldn’t stand Song Juhan’s passionate gaze anymore and asked, “Are you not going to eat?”
“I only made enough for you.”
“I forgot. It’s so tiring to cook that I don’t want to eat anymore.”
He Gu nodded, then continued to eat.
“There’s still a lot of soup. You should have more meat and fatten up a little.”
“I don’t want to get fat.” He Gu paused then added, “And didn’t you say I’d look bad if I got fat.”
“If you get a little fatter then no one will try to seduce you again.” The more Song Juhan said, the heavier the air around them felt.
He Gu wanted to ignore him.
“You guys…” Song Juhan paused for a long while before he swallowed and said, “Who was on top?”
He Gu froze without saying anything.
Song Juhan trained his fierce gaze on He Gu as if he wanted to stare two holes directly through He Gu’s body. He hadn’t been able to sleep for the past few nights, wanting to ask but not daring to for fear of hearing the answer he didn’t want to hear. Seeing as He Gu didn’t say anything, Song Juhan’s mood worsened. “Say something,” he said.
“Does it matter?” He Gu finished the soup and put his chopsticks down.
“Of course, so were you top or bottom?” Song Juhan squeezed the armrest so tight his veins popped and his knuckles paled.
“What difference does it make?”
“If you topped him, I’ll just treat it as you going out and trying something new. I won’t hold it against you. But if he dared to…” Song Juhan’s eyes were red and his lips trembled slightly as he continued, “I definitely won’t let him off lightly.”
“Do you take me for a woman?”
Song Juhan said seriously, “If you were a woman, I would’ve married you.”
He Gu couldn’t help but let out a bitter laugh. He recalled the time when Song Juhan’s “legal wife” came looking for him.
Song Juhan probably remembered the same thing as he pursed his lips and said, “Answer my question.”
Without hesitation He Gu said, “I topped him. Compared to you he’s much more gentle, caring and attentive. I felt very good.”
“Shut up!” Song Juhan didn’t know whether to be happy or not. “You’re talking as if you’ve never been satisfied with me. After all these years, who could possibly be more familiar with you than me?”
“You’re right. But who doesn’t like something new?” He Gu smiled calmly as he said, “I guess that’s why you always had someone new around you. That’s also probably why you got bored of me. It’s been seven years, of course you’d get tired of me.”
Song Juhan’s expression turned vicious. “Those were just words said in a moment of anger. I’ve never been tired of you.”
“Really?” He Gu turned around and faced Song Juhan directly. “Since you’ve brought this up, let’s talk about it now. I know I’m not that good in bed, and I know I don’t know how to please you, either. All the others must be younger, more beautiful and better than me, so why are you wasting your time on me?”
“I… I didn’t say I wanted to discuss this with you.” Song Juhan stood up and said, “You should have another bowl of chicken soup.”
Song Juhan went into the kitchen. After a while, he came out with two bowls – one for He Gu and one for himself. He took two sips before he said fiercely, “I really let him off lightly. He’s such a weakling, yet he still dared to seduce you.”
He Gu frowned, “He’s not a weakling.”
Song Juhan put his bowl down, then looked directly into He Gu’s eyes. With an icy cold expression, he said, “He Gu, you better listen carefully. I’m very serious about what I’m about to say. If you ever see him again, or have anything to do with him again… I won’t have the heart to do anything to you, but I definitely won’t let him off easily.”
He Gu thumped the table violently, “Song Juhan, do you have any sense of morality at all?!”
“With regards to this – No.” Song Juhan lightly tapped his heart with his finger and said, “For the rest of my life, I will always remember the fact that you slept with him. You can only have me in your heart. Even if it’s not me, you can’t have anyone else.”
He Gu was extremely enraged, but he knew it was pointless to get angry at someone like him. It simply wouldn’t solve anything. He took a deep breath and said, “If you dare do anything to him, I’ll never forgive you for the rest of my life.” In fact, since the moment He Gu got to this island, he had already decided to never have anything to do with Zhou Heyi again. He knew Song Juhan’s personality all too well, and wasn’t even surprised at the events of the past month. Last time, it was just a kick to the stomach. Next time it wouldn’t be as simple as that.
He couldn’t involve innocent people in their complicated and entangled relationship. Especially Zhou Heyi, since He Gu really did care about him.
“As long as you promise never to see him again, I’ll pretend he’s dead.” Song Juhan pinched He Gu’s chin and added, “I’ll keep my word, so you better keep yours too.”
In a low voice, He Gu said, “Fine.”
Song Juhan looked in a horrible mood as he pushed the bowl of soup towards He Gu and said, “Drink it.”
Without another word, He Gu got up and left.
Song Juhan clenched his fists and followed He Gu all the way back to his bedroom.
“Get out, I want to be alone for a while,” said He Gu coldly.
Song Juhan had a pained look in his eyes as he said stiffly, “I’m not going anywhere.”
He Gu climbed into bed, then lifted the duvet and covered his head. He just wanted to isolate himself from the world that had Song Juhan in it.
Song Juhan stood by the bed for a while then climbed into bed as well. The moment he got into bed, He Gu instantly jumped out of the duvet and tried to leave. Feeling anxious, Song Juhan hugged He Gu around the waist and dragged him back forcefully as he tightened his arms around the man.
He Gu shouted angrily, “Song Juhan, fucking let me go!” The anger that he had been trying to suppress for so long finally exploded. How could this man that has kidnapped, placed him under house arrest, and threatened him say that he wants to be good to him? How dare he say he wants to be with him forever?!
This was the greatest hypocrisy ever. This Song Juhan didn’t even know how to write the word ‘respect’!
Many times, He Gu asked himself why and how he could possibly have fallen in love with such a person, but he had never been able to find an answer.
“I’m not letting go.” Song Juhan placed his forehead on He Gu’s back and said in a muffled voice, “I’m definitely not letting go.”
“Go on, you can scold me. I’d rather you scold me than ignore me.” Song Juhan closed his eyes and said quietly, “Every day you act as if you can’t see me at all. From the moment we saw each other again, you’ve never smiled at me once.” The more Song Juhan said, the worse he felt, his voice even started to tremble as he said, “He Gu, tell me what I have to do for you to smile at me again. What do I need to do for you to… to forgive me?”
He Gu let out a long sigh, “I forgive you. I won’t hold anything against you as long as you let me go.”
“That’s the only thing I can’t do. I cannot let you go. He Gu, you’re the one that understands me the most, you know you can’t run from me. Come back with me and let’s properly start over again, okay? I’ll be very very good to you, and I’ll make up for everything you’ve lost in the last seven years. I’ll only have you and treat you as if you’re my wife.” Song Juhan tightened his arms as if that would bring him closer to the man in his embrace, and warm up He Gu’s rapidly cooling heart. “He Gu, come back to me and trust me just one more time.”
He Gu fell silent for a moment, then said quietly, “I want to go to sleep.”
Song Juhan chewed on his lip but refused to let go.
He Gu struggled for a while but couldn’t break free. In the end, he was too lazy to try and gave up since it was a waste of his energy anyways.
Song Juhan nibbled on He Gu’s ear as he whispered quietly, “I think about you every day.”
Hearing those words, He Gu felt an instant sense of relief. He didn’t feel conflicted or out of one’s wits since he was no longer affected by Song Juhan’s words.
After staying on the island for half a month, He Gu clearly noticed that Song Juhan was getting more and more phone calls. He knew someone was trying to persuade Song Juhan to go back, and that someone was most likely Song He.
He Gu guessed correctly. Out of the two of them, He Gu’s schedule was quite idle at the moment, so the first one to insist on leaving this island would definitely be Song Juhan.
That day, Song Juhan came to him with an ashen expression and reluctantly said, “Let’s go back.”
“Once we get back, you better not run away. All your identification documents are with me,” warned Song Juhan.
“You…” He Gu didn’t even have the energy to get angry anymore. In front of Song Juhan, he no longer had even a shred of energy to fight back. He wasn’t the type that would go ask people for help. Besides, who could possibly help him? And how could he possibly have the face to explain to someone all that had happened between Song Juhan and himself?
“If you want to go somewhere, I’ll go with you. If you want to stay home, I’ll stay with you, too. I will always stay by your side, so you should always stay with me too. I promise I won’t have any more scandals, and I won’t get married, either. Will this be enough to make you feel at ease with me?”
He Gu said in a low voice, “I don’t care anymore. All I want right now is my freedom.”
Song Juhan didn’t answer directly, but instead said, “The helicopter will come pick us up in the afternoon. Get ready.”
“Song Juhan,” He Gu called out after Song Juhan’s receding figure.
Song Juhan turned around to see the look of determination on He Gu’s face as a weird sense of premonition bubbled in his chest. He had a sudden strong feeling that he wouldn’t want to listen to He Gu’s next words.
Yet He Gu still calmly said it all, “I was perfectly willing to endure those seven years, and not once did I hate you for it. Because of Feng Zheng, you played around with me – I admit I willingly offered myself up to you, so I don’t hate you for that. You caused me to get locked up in a detention centre, lose all my career prospects, and exposed my entire life and personal information online. Even then, I held back for the sake of my past feelings for you, and didn’t hate you, either. You said you wanted to properly start over with me, yet you went and discussed getting married and starting a family with some other woman behind my back. And even let her come to my home, and humiliate me. At that point, I was too lazy to even try and hate you.” He Gu paused for a moment, taking a difficult deep breath; the air in his lungs seemed to have been completely sucked out. His body trembled uncontrollably as he added, “But right now, don’t force me to hate you.”
Song Juhan threw a hard punch at the solid wooden door, then looked deeply into He Gu’s eyes with a pained expression. “Go on, you can hate me all you want. At least then, you’ll only have me in your heart.”