Drunk In Love (Years of Intoxication) - Chap 52
Singapore?
He Gu was stunned for a moment, then asked, “Chief Gu, are you going to Singapore?” He had been to Singapore on a business trip before and had a great impression of it. The city was clean and peaceful. The people were very cultured, and most could even speak Chinese.
Gu Qingpei nodded. “If you want to change to a new environment, Wang Jin has a company in Singapore and I’m going to go help him manage it. I’m assuming you don’t have anything holding you back here, right? In that case, do you want to come with me? I can guarantee the salary will definitely be satisfactory to you.”
He Gu rubbed his hands together in silence.
“Take your time thinking about it. Once you’ve made a decision, contact me anytime.”
“When is Chief Gu planning to leave?”
With a sad and disappointed expression on his face, Gu Qingpei took a sip of his wine and said, “Soon.”
From what He Gu could tell, he was sure that Yuan Lijiang was the reason why Gu Qingpei was willing to give up ten years’ worth of hard work in Beijing to move to a new city. He Gu suddenly recalled the day of the incident and the words Gu Qingpei said to him over the phone. The rough idea of what Gu Qingpei had said was that he shouldn’t really be putting himself through a relationship crisis at this age.
But these matters didn’t really have anything to do with age, since it’s not like anyone chooses to experience them in the first place.
It was really hard to witness the change in Gu Qingpei’s life today combined with what he had told He Gu at the beginning.
This topic made the atmosphere very heavy, so Gu Qingpei swiftly changed the topic and asked about He Gu’s trip to Europe. “Foreign countries are so open and you’ve been travelling for so long. Did you have a fling during your travels?” Gu Qingpei teased.
It was only meant to be a light-hearted comment, but He Gu froze up instantly.
Gu Qingpei raised his eyebrows and asked, “Really?”
He Gu laughed. “I met this nice young man,” he said as Zhou Heyi’s warm and enthusiastic smile appeared in his mind.
“Not bad, He Gu. I really didn’t expect that from you. So, where is he from?”
“He’s Dutch-Chinese.”
“Do you have a photo?”
He Gu hesitated for a moment before he took out his phone and found a photo of Zhou Heyi, then handed it over to Gu Qingpei.
Gu Qingpei smiled and said, “Oh, a handsome young lad. He’s quite cute.”
He Gu nodded.
“Will he come visit?”
He Gu shook his head.
“That’s good.” The corner of Gu Qingpei’s lips lifted as he let out a small chuckle. “You know, He Gu, I think that’s the best way to do it. You meet someone, you have your fun, and then you part on happy terms. That way everyone’s happy. Don’t waste your time talking about things like feelings—it’s all just utter nonsense.” Gu Qingpei turned his face away and looked out the window as the warm and delicate light illuminated his handsome profile. A slight tremble could be seen on his long eyelashes, framing a set of deep and hollow eyes that seemed to bear the loneliness of half of the world.
“Yeah…” He Gu lowered his head and said with a bitter smile, “It just took me a while to figure that out.”
After saying goodbye to Gu Qingpei, He Gu slowly made his way home. As he drove absentmindedly, a million thoughts flashed through his mind, but in the end he still couldn’t come to a definite decision.
If he were to really leave, his mother would definitely want him to join her in Shanghai. But He Gu himself didn’t even know where he wanted to go. Although he had always been a relatively decisive person, in regards to this matter he couldn’t help hesitating over and over again.
Once he got home, He Gu noticed a familiar car parked outside. After taking a moment to calm his thoughts, He Gu got out of his car and walked over.
The car door opened as Feng Zheng got out.
The two hadn’t seen each other in nearly half a year. As they stood awkwardly across from each other, it felt as if it were a lifetime ago.
He Gu nodded at the other man and said, “How did you find me?”
“It wasn’t hard to find out where you live now. This was the address you filled in back when you were working at my dad’s company.” Feng Zheng lowered his head and shuffled his feet, kicking the stones with his expensive and polished leather shoes. “It’s just that I was afraid you would be angry if I just showed up here randomly.”
“I wouldn’t go as far as to get angry over something like that,” said He Gu calmly. With the passage of time, he was now able to face Feng Zheng with a clear head as he added magnanimously, “Do you want to come up?”
Feng Zheng lifted his head, an obvious look of surprise and delight in his eyes.
He Gu headed upstairs as Feng Zheng eagerly followed behind him.
Once they got inside, He Gu said, “Sit down. Do you want something to drink? Tea… oh wait, it’s too late. If you have tea or coffee now, you probably won’t be able to sleep. I’ll just get you some water.”
Feng Zheng froze. “You still remember…”
“I do. I know you’re especially sensitive to these things.” Without looking at the other man, He Gu turned and walked into the kitchen as Feng Zheng stared intently at He Gu’s retreating back.
After a moment, He Gu came out with two glasses of water and placed them in front of Feng Zheng. “So why have you suddenly come looking for me?”
“I’ve been looking for you for ages now. Ever since your details got leaked online, I… I tried getting in touch, but your phone’s been switched off. At that time, I really wanted to reach out to you, but I thought your emotions must’ve been all over the place and you probably wouldn’t have wanted to see me then. So I decided to wait until after the heat of the scandal passed before I came looking for you. By the time I did, I found out you’d left the country…” Feng Zheng frowned at He Gu and said, “Tell me honestly, are you really okay?”
“I’m fine now.” He Gu took a sip of water before he continued, “Look, once the heat of the scandal passes, no one will bother with someone like me anymore. Then everything will go back to normal.”
“But you’ve left Nanchuang.”
“En, I did. I just didn’t want to make it difficult for them.” He Gu revealed a sardonic smile, then added, “Nanchuang has been quite generous already; they’ve given me a significant termination bonus.”
“He Gu, you’ve already sacrificed way too much for this relationship.”
He Gu shrugged his shoulders nonchalantly; words that used to pierce his heart now no longer held the same pain. “That’s why I’ve sobered up now.”
“That’s good,” said Feng Zheng gratefully. “I knew this day would come sooner or later.”
He Gu nodded. “I know.”
“So, what do you have planned going forward?”
“I haven’t made up my mind yet.”
“Come work for me, then,” said Feng Zheng seriously.
He Gu scoffed. “Everyone assumes it’ll be hard for me to find future employment, but it turns out I’m rather in demand.”
Feng Zheng rested his elbows on his thighs, then interlaced his long and slender fingers as he looked intently at He Gu and said, “What, is someone else trying to headhunt you? No matter how much they’re offering, I’ll double it.”
“It’s not about the money. I just don’t think we’re suited to work together anymore.” Ignoring the awkwardness between them, if Song Juhan were to ever find out about it, He Gu couldn’t even begin to imagine the havoc he would cause. Just the thought of it gave him a splitting headache.
With an expression of utter disappointment, Feng Zheng let out a long sigh.
He Gu felt bad on the inside, but there was nothing he could do about it. “I didn’t mean anything bad. It’s just that too much has happened already…”
“I understand,” said Feng Zheng with a bleak smile. “He Gu, I know you don’t want to see me, nor do you want to keep in contact with me anymore. I want to respect your decision; to make it so you won’t have to feel this pain every time you see me. But, I still can’t help myself… I keep thinking, if there wasn’t Song Juhan, what would we have been? We were so compatible back then, and such great friends as well. If it wasn’t for Song Juhan, maybe we would’ve been happy together.”
He Gu lowered his head without saying anything.
“Ever since I came back, these thoughts have constantly plagued my mind, and I can’t hold them back anymore. Especially when I see Song Juhan mistreating you like this, I keep regretting my decision. Why didn’t I just stay behind and fight for you… If I did, maybe everything would’ve been different today.”
“Feng Zheng, this issue between me and Song Juhan isn’t your fault. I can’t accept the fact that you’ve kept that important detail from me all these years. But I’ve moved on now—I’ve let go—so you don’t have to blame yourself anymore.”
“But I can’t let go,” said Feng Zheng with a deep look of anguish in his eyes. After a moment’s pause, he took a deep breath before he added, “I can’t stop thinking about you—thinking about us. I’ve rarely regretted anything in my life. It’s only in matters regarding you that I feel this deep sense of regret.”
He Gu didn’t know what to say to that. Although he also felt a deep sense of regret for many things, if he truly thought about it carefully, he realised that things he once assumed he had a choice in were actually out of his control. So what was the point in regretting it, when nothing could be changed anyways.
Feng Zheng looked longingly at the other man. “I’ve been thinking about this for a long time now, and I don’t want to feel this regret again a few years down the line. I don’t want to spend the rest of my life regretting the decisions I did or didn’t make. That’s why, He Gu…” Feng Zheng looked straight into He Gu’s eyes as he said solemnly, “Give me a chance. I really like you and I want to be with you.”
He Gu was stunned speechless. He thought Feng Zheng only came looking for him out of concern because of their past friendship. Never did he imagine that the man would suddenly confess his feelings to him.
In He Gu’s memory, Feng Zheng was one to always keep his distance, his attitude alternating between hot and cold constantly. He Gu could never determine what Feng Zheng really wanted, but he definitely didn’t feel like Feng Zheng had feelings for him. In fact, it felt more like an obsession. After pondering for a moment, he said, “Feng Zheng, I don’t think you actually have feelings for me, you simply don’t want to lose to Song Juhan.”
Feng Zheng frowned deeply. “He Gu, do you think I’m as immature as Song Juhan? Maybe back then I did have such thoughts, but now, I really am attracted to you. Compared to back then, you’re ever more attractive now—more outstanding, and more charming. I admit, Song Juhan pisses me off. But what pisses me off isn’t the fact that I lost to him, but that I couldn’t protect you. I couldn’t have you.”
He Gu couldn’t help instinctively pulling back as his back touched the sofa lightly. He shook his head, trying to clear the confusion, then said, “Feng Zheng, let me be frank. I simply can’t accept you. There’s just too much unresolved business between us… Things that I can’t forget.”
Feng Zheng scoffed bitterly, “He Gu, you really can be quite cruel with your words sometimes. Couldn’t you have at least given me a more tactful answer?”
“I’m sorry, but I think with regards to matters like these, it’s better to be clear with my words.”
“You’re right. Even this little fact about you makes me admire you even more.” Feng Zheng shook his head as he chuckled lightly. “You really haven’t changed at all. Even with someone like Song Juhan by your side, he still hasn’t managed to change you. That’s good…”
“You’re wrong, Song Juhan has already changed me so much.”
“No. As long as you leave him now, ‘you’ can still come back.”
He Gu paused. Could ‘he’ really come back?
“He Gu, turn over the page named Song Juhan. You should start a new chapter in your life now.”
“Indeed, I really should look towards a new chapter in life. But even then I… I won’t fall in love with anyone else anymore.” The corner of He Gu’s lips lifted slightly in a small smile as he added, “Feng Zheng, don’t waste your time on someone like me.”
Shaking his head, Feng Zheng looked straight at He Gu and said in a serious tone, “In the end, this is just another relationship. A heartbreak, but a relationship nonetheless. Aren’t you taking this too seriously? Perhaps in a year or so, you won’t even care about him anymore. You’re not even thirty yet, how do you know you won’t fall for someone else later on.”
He Gu started laughing hysterically. Towards the end, his laugh sounded more and more bitter. “That is how I’ve always comforted myself. Feng Zheng, I guess we do have somewhat of a mutual understanding regarding this.”
He Gu had tried time and time again to comfort himself and to force himself to believe in a better future. But deep down, he knew that the past seven years wasn’t just a relationship to him. And in the end, it wasn’t just any other heartbreak, either. His entire being had been thoroughly hollowed out—from the inside out. If one could still be alive even when their heart was completely and utterly dead, that would be how He Gu felt at this moment.
He tried desperately to search for a little joy in life, some work perhaps, or simply a reason to live on. But he knew he’d lost all interest in life; he didn’t care for anything or anyone. It was to the point that he no longer felt any expectations for what the future held.
He was still alive, yet he was living mechanically and lifelessly—all the while trying to avoid the excruciating pain within him.
Sometimes, when he truly thought about it, He Gu wondered why he even loved Song Juhan so much. Even throughout seven years of pain and suffering, he was still reluctant to let go. Perhaps it was because Song Juhan was the only dazzling and luminous part of He Gu’s otherwise dull and gloomy life. He was a man that possessed a special quality He Gu both envied and admired equally. He lived a vastly different lifestyle compared to He Gu; one that was filled with endless ideals, talent and a brilliant future.
Whilst He Gu numbly went about his life—going to school, studying, finding a job, and eventually working a typical nine-to-five job—Song Juhan, on the other hand, showed him what an extraordinary life could be. For the first time in He Gu’s life, he felt a strong sense of desire, love, and want in his once cold and indifferent heart; he wanted it, desperately craved the intimacy, and eagerly looked forward to their future together.
To say that Song Juhan had brightened up his life was not an exaggeration by any means. It was because of those feelings of love, hope, desire and even expectation that He Gu started to feel the beauty and goodness in life. Only then did He Gu consider himself a man with blood, flesh, and bones—a man worth living—and that was why he could never let go.
But Song Juhan was simply too bright and too hot. Even as He Gu held on desperately—feeling as if he was grasping a burning hot soldering iron—he couldn’t let go. Not until the pain grew so excruciating that he had no other choice but to let go.
In that moment, it was as if he was willing to give up all the vibrant colours of the world.
This wasn’t just any relationship, nor was it any other heart break. It was so, so much more…
Luckily, even without the vibrant colours in his life, He Gu could still survive. Life would simply be a little more boring, but at least he wouldn’t need to experience any more of this excruciating pain.
Feng Zheng looked at the lost expression in He Gu’s eyes and felt a deep sense of unease in his heart. “No matter what, you can’t sentence yourself to death. Song Juhan isn’t worth it—he’s not worth you wasting your life on him. I’ve done a lot of things that I regret in the past, so this time I won’t back down again. He Gu, let me pursue you again.”
He Gu sighed and shook his head, “Feng Zheng, I don’t want to disappoint you. I…”
“He Gu,” said Feng Zheng calmly. “This is my decision. I chose this myself. Even if you do disappoint me, it’s not your fault.”
“I might be leaving Beijing.”
Feng Zheng froze. “Where are you going?”
“I haven’t decided yet, but I know I do want to change it up a little and find a new job somewhere else.”
“Are you worried Song Juhan will continue to harass you?”
He Gu frowned. “How did you know…”
“I know Song Juhan went to France,” said Feng Zheng calmly. “I also know he definitely went there to look for you.”
Clearly unhappy about it, He Gu turned his head away and said, “How do you know he didn’t go for work?” No one likes to be investigated, and He Gu wasn’t any different. Having Song Juhan tracking his every move was already annoying enough.
“Because he can’t bear to let you go.”
He Gu twisted around and looked at the other man.
“Did I guess correctly?” Feng Zheng chuckled coldly. “I can’t believe I’m able to witness this—serves him right.”
“You’re overthinking it. He’s just…”
“He Gu,” Feng Zheng interrupted him again. “You really don’t know just how attractive you are. But you mustn’t trust Song Juhan again. He will never be loyal to you, and will only bring you endless pain.”
“I know.” No one understood Song Juhan better than he did.
Feng Zheng couldn’t hold it in and let out a chuckle again with a vicious look in his eyes. “Song Juhan—I look forward to the day he’ll stew in his own juice.”
He Gu shook his head, “He won’t last long.”
“If you’re only leaving because you’re worried Song Juhan will continue to harass you, then leave it to me. I’ll go talk to Song He and Vanessa.”
“It’s useless, Song Juhan won’t listen to anyone. Besides…” He Gu said with certainty, “I’ll deal with my own problems.”
“He Gu, stop being so stubborn, I can…”
“Feng Zheng.” He Gu looked at him with a serious expression and repeated, “I’ll deal with my own problems.”
Feng Zheng let out a sigh and said with a bitter smile, “Song Juhan didn’t cherish having someone like you by his side. He will regret it for the rest of his life.”
