I Became the Lousy Side Top - Chap 26
‘I can’t do what you can.’
Hyunjin thought over what Jaewoo said.
“What did I actually do for the kids?”
“You did a lot.”
“Like what?”
“You made an effort.”
“Effort alone doesn’t solve anything.”
“No, that’s not what I mean. Look at Hyeonu and Woohee.”
Hyunjin looked at his younger brothers who were fast asleep.
“They’re good kids, right?”
“Yes.”
They were children who had grown up to be a credit to their family, even with only an older brother to watch over them.
“I think they both grew up really well. So did you.”
It was that much more unfortunate. The closer he got to Hyunjin, the less he could view him as just a character in a novel, and the more conflicted Jaewoo became. Why did such a good person need to go through such torments? Maybe happiness will come later, but the journey was so painful.
‘There’s nothing I can do to stop it.’
The hand that was patting the back of Hyunjin’s hand stopped. Rather than helping Hyunjin, was he just making it harder for him? Jaewoo suddenly had that thought.
‘I shouldn’t offer to let them stay here anymore.’
His heart ached.
“Why do you look like that?”
A low voice rumbled in Jaewoo’s ear. For some reason, his ear felt itchy, so he gently scratched it with his hand.
“What do you mean?”
He tried to adjust his expression, but it looked like it was already too late. Hyunjin was examining Jaewoo’s face in detail. He tried to turn his head, but he couldn’t. Hyunjin reached out and touched Jaewoo’s hair with his hand. It was just hair, it shouldn’t have had any special meaning, and yet, Jaewoo found himself unable to move. He quietly allowed Hyunjin to cradle his head in his hand.
“Your hair is all dry.”
“Thanks to you.”
Jaewoo was relieved when it seemed like Hyunjin was going to change the subject, but then he continued.
“Before, when we were talking about the last time you were drunk…”
“Huh?”
“Actually, there’s something I didn’t tell you.”
Jaewoo’s heart sank. What secrets had he told him?
“What did I do?”
When Jaewoo asked him, urgently, Hyunjin just smiled gently at him and reached forward, covering Jaewoo’s eyes with his hands. Jaewoo’s vision was obscured, and soon all he could see was darkness. He was a little scared to see Hyunjin suddenly acting like this. Even though he knew that Hyunjin wasn’t the sort of person to get angry, he was still nervous.
There was a moment of silence. Then, something touched Jaewoo’s lips. The texture of it was slightly rough, but before Jaewoo could figure out anything more, the pressure had left. Then, Hyunjin lowered his hand, and Jaewoo could see again. But even at that moment, he had no idea what had happened.
“Go to sleep.”
As soon as those words were finished, Hyunjin got dressed and went out. The only people left in the room were the sleeping children and Jaewoo.
“What happened?”
Jaewoo held his head with both hands. Hyunjin had just covered his eyes and kissed him. On the mouth. He had kissed him on the mouth, right? In an instant, heat rose to Jaewoo’s face. No, this couldn’t be true. Jaewoo was delusional.
This definitely couldn’t be what happened. Hyunjin had someone to love. Maybe… Maybe he had hit Jaewoo’s mouth with his hand? What had he done to make such a kind boy so angry? Jaewoo couldn’t figure it out.
Jaewoo moved shakily and lay down on one side of the blanket, but he wasn’t able to relax. All he could do was go over what had happened again and again in his mind, awash in worry.
Hyunjin went outside and looked up at the sky.
‘What have I done.’
He’d slipped up. That was all he could think. Unlike Jaewoo the other day, Hyunjin hadn’t had a single sip of alcohol tonight. He’d been in full control of his faculties when he kissed him.
Why had he done that? He’d known that Jaewoo was hiding something. He never said anything about it, but his face gave it all away. Hyunjin finally couldn’t handle the secrecy anymore, but had he really needed to go that far? He didn’t know.
A rustling sound came from beyond the door, as if a person was preparing to sleep. Hyunjin knew he wouldn’t be able to face going back into that room again tonight. With that in mind, Hyunjin picked up his phone and dialed a familiar number.
“Hyung. Can I still come in for a shift tonight?”
A voice that willingly gave permission was heard from the other side. Hyunjin walked out the front door at a fast pace, as if something was chasing him. As he started down the slope, his speed slowly decreased.
‘I definitely hated him in the past.’
Hyunjin didn’t hate him anymore. The new Jaewoo was so kind that it was impossible for anyone to dislike him. It would have been fine if he had just stopped there. What was wrong with his heart?
Hyunjin placed his hand over his heart, which was pounding so hard that it was difficult to breathe. At first, he thought that something had gone wrong with his body, but then he realized, no. The reason his heart was beating like this was because he was thinking of someone.
“Jaewoo, Jaewoo-ssi.”
Hyunjin tried calling his name to himself. The still unfamiliar name flew out of his mouth and disappeared into the night sky. Hyunjin’s face distorted with an unknown emotion. He wanted to cry, but at the same time, he also wanted to laugh. As hard as he tried to deny it, without even realizing what was happening, he was getting closer to the truth one step at a time. But eventually, Hyunjin needed to force himself to stop.
“No.”
Hyunjin tried speaking it out loud.
“Not Jaewoo.”
Jaewoo was someone who could live a happy life without Hyunjin in it. That was the reality of the situation. With Hyunjin around, his life was guaranteed to be unhappy. That was also the reality. He needed to stop trying to get closer, and just maintain their current relationship. A relationship where Jaewoo helped him out of pity, and nothing more.
Hyunjin looked up at the sky. The sky appeared hazy under the flickering lights of the streetlamps. The shadows cast by them covered his distorted face. It was agonizing. The sense of constriction caused his chest to ache. In truth, he didn’t want to do this.
‘I want to know him.’
Hyunjin wanted to get closer to Jaewoo and learn all of his secrets. He wanted to know more about him, everything that he was hiding, all the way down to the very bottom of his soul. He wanted to possess it all.
It was a sensation that he was feeling for the first time in his life. Incredible. Was this how other people felt when they had someone in their heart? If so, they were amazing people, to be able to feel things with this intensity but not reveal them to the world. Hyunjin felt like if he let his guard down for even a moment, these deeply hidden emotions would become exposed for everyone to see. How can people live so calmly?
He couldn’t figure it out.
Ugh.
His phone was vibrating. It looks like Sanghun was trying to contact him. Hyunjin hid his expression and hurried his steps again.
‘It’ll be okay.’
Hyunjin was used to hiding his feelings. He could just do the same thing now. Hyunjin continued repeating that to himself over and over, throughout the course of the terrible night.
A faint light was coming through the window.
‘This is crazy…’
Jaewoo ran his hands over his face roughly before turning and burying his face in the pillow. He’d spent all night worrying and hadn’t gotten a wink of sleep, but he needed to check on the condition of the cabbage. He stumbled out of bed, washed his face and brushed his teeth, then got dressed.
Jaewoo went out into the yard and checked on the cabbage that had been stored there overnight. It had been pickled properly, and when he took a small bite the crunch and the salty taste whetted his appetite.
He absentmindedly tore off a long stem, chopped it down, and ate it. Now came the hard work of preparing the kimchi. He needed to rinse the cabbage, dry it, and then prepare the filling. He also needed to dice the rest of the ingredients and make the glutinous rice paste. Once he was about halfway done, he could start cooking the boiled pork.
“Let’s get going.”
As he was lifting the cabbage out of the brine, he heard the sound of the front gate opening. Hyunjin was back. Jaewoo tried to remain as calm as possible, but it wasn’t easy. Immediately, his cheeks and the tips of his ears turned red.
“Wow, you’re home already?”
“Yes.”
“Then go get some rest. You probably worked all night.”
“No, I’m okay.”
Hyunjin said that, then took off his jacket and rolled up his sleeves.
“I’ll help you.”
Then he sat down next to Jaewoo and began to skillfully wash the cabbage, taking care to avoid damaging the leaves. Once it had been washed, the cabbage was placed on a large tray.
“Don’t do that with your bare hands. The water is freezing.”
Shocked, Jaewo handed him a pair of rubber gloves. Hyunjin dried his hands on his clothes and accepted the gloves, putting them on and continuing with his work. Since there were only nine heads of cabbage, Jaewoo figured he could work on something else while Hyunjin finished the washing, so he took out a cutting board and a knife and started skillfully dicing some of the other ingredients.
He cut the radish and chives into perfect pieces and pickled them separately in red pepper powder and salt. After that, he turned to the glutinous rice paste. As he was stirring the boiling hot mixture, Hyunjin came over and stood next to him.
“Aren’t you tired?”
Jaewoo asked awkwardly. Hyunjin quickly responded.
“No.”
“Um. Okay.”
Hyunjin looked calm, but Jaewoo wasn’t able to concentrate at all. If this kept up, he was going to end up ruining the glutinous rice. Better to get it all out in the open, Jaewoo thought, and raised his head.
“Hyunjin.”
“Yes.”
“We need to talk about last night.”
“Yes.”
Hyunjin answered promptly and consistently.
“Why did you do what you did?”
Had those actually been his lips? Jaewoo desperately wanted to know the answer to that, but he couldn’t bring himself to say it out loud. Hyunjin didn’t answer right away, and just stared down at the glutinous rice paste. Then, eventually, he opened his mouth.
“When a person is drunk…”
“What? You didn’t drink a thing.”
“You did, though.”
“Huh?”
Only then did Jaewoo realize that Hyunjin wasn’t talking about what happened last night, but what had happened the night of their chicken party. Jaewoo’s complexion turned pale. Surely he hadn’t…?
“Did I do something like that while I was drunk?”
“You shouldn’t drink anymore. You don’t have the constitution for it.”
Jaewoo’s face turned completely red. He wanted to scream and bang his head against the wall. If he hadn’t been stirring the glutinous rice paste, he would have run out the door that instant, never to return.
‘I want to cry.’
Why is he still just standing here, stirring the glutinous rice paste, and how was Hyunjin so calm?
‘Why!’
If there was anyplace Jaewoo could hide away in, even a mousehole, he would have done it. His hands were shaking as he stirred the paste. Seeing this, Hyunjin gently took the spatula from him and began stirring instead.
“I know how to make glutinous rice paste. You can go do something else.”
As kind as always. Jaewoo, free from his sentence, fled out into the yard. He bent over, letting out a silent scream. He was so embarrassed that he wanted to cry.
‘What does an innocent kid that works all hours of the day know?’
Since Jaewoo had done it first, Hyunjin had just copied him.
‘If I ever drink again, I’ll revoke my rights as a human being1!’
Jaewoo promised himself again and again and washed his red face with cold water.
Footnotes
내가 다시 술을 마시면 개다! – If I ever drink again, I’ll be a dog! I played around with a couple of different versions of this (“If I ever drink again, you can call me a dog!” etc), but eventually ended up going with the wording used in the anhwa.