I Became the Lousy Side Top - Chap 49
Jaewoo smiled and answered.
“Of course I do.”
After all, he’d had friends in his former life, so that wasn’t a complete lie. Even though his friend group had dwindled by the end, he’d had a lot of friends during his school days. Teenage boys were always hungry and roaming around trying to find something to eat. Jaewoo shook his head as the memories floated up.
“I have a lot of friends.”
When he said that, Hyeonu and Hyunjin looked at him with expressions of pity. If he had that many friends, they would have contacted him before now. The Jaewoo they knew was a total homebody.
“Really!”
It was useless. It wasn’t like he could say that he wasn’t really Jaewoo.
“It’s okay.”
“Yeah, it’s okay. Sometimes it’s like that. I don’t have any friends either.”
Hyeonu, don’t look like you understand everything! Hyunjin, you too. Jaewoo’s pride was hurt, but he couldn’t say anything back. He knew that Hyunjin didn’t have any friends himself. Wouldn’t bragging about his own friends just hurt Hyunjin more?
‘I’m the adult here, I have to endure it.’
Jaewoo quickly checked the text message while the kids and Hyunjin were looking over their phones. The only thing in it was an address that Jaewoo wasn’t familiar with, a time, and a simple request. That was all, and yet Jaewoo’s heart sank.
He remembered Mujin’s condition, that Jaewoo would come when he called for him.
‘Of course.’
Jaewoo bit his lip. Hyunjin was at home today, so trying to find an excuse to leave would be a problem. Apart from that, he was also worried about what was waiting for him once he left.
‘Oh no…’
The more he thought over the possibilities, the more nervous he got. Was it better to know what was awaiting him, or not know? Even if he decided he wanted to know, was Mujin the sort of person who would tell him if he asked? Jaewoo let out a deep sigh.
“What are you doing?”
At that time, Hyunjin’s voice rang out from behind him.
“I was just checking the text message I got.”
Jaewoo nervously turned off his phone screen as he answered.
“What did it say?”
Jaewoo gave his rehearsed answer.
“My friend wants to meet with me today.”
“Today? Can’t you meet up some other time?”
“Umm… It’s hard to find time, my friend’s pretty busy.”
At those words, Hyunjin’s expression turned sullen. Good, it seemed like Hyunjin hadn’t spotted the text message when he walked over. Hyunjin was such a good kid, there was no way he’d peek at something like that. Jaewoo felt guilty for worrying over nothing.
“I’ll bring back something delicious on my way back.”
“Something delicious?”
“Yeah.”
“I’d rather be with hyung instead.”
What a good kid! The difference between the rest of the world and Hyunjin was like night and day1. Jaewoo reached out to pat Hyunjin’s head, and rather than rejecting him, Hyunjin actually lowered his head and leaned into his touch. He looked like a large dog begging for scritches. It was too cute.
If Hyunjin was a golden retriever, then Mujin was some sort of hunting dog. A rabid hunting dog without an owner. Then what did that make Jaewoo?
‘Why am I thinking such nonsense?’
Jaewoo felt like he needed to go and figure out what was wrong with his brain.
With that in mind, Jaewoo started to pull his hand back, only for Hyunjin to grab it before he could. Hyunjin’s thumb gently caressed the inside of his wrist. For a moment, a shiver went up Jaewoo’s back.
“Hyunjin?”
“Yes?”
The eyes that looked up at him appeared serene. Whatever that feeling was just now, it must have been his imagination.
“…No, it’s nothing. Now that we’ve finished setting up our phones, shall we head home?”
“Yes, let’s go.”
Jaewoo tried to gently pull his wrist away, but Hyunjin wouldn’t let go. Instead, he brought their hands down to rest in between them and smiled over at Jaewoo.
“This way we won’t lose each other.”
They didn’t need to hold hands in order to not get lost. Was this world more tolerant of intimate touches between men? Jaewoo looked at Hyunjin with a puzzled expression, but it only lasted for a moment before the kids came running over. Although he felt a bit awkward, the kids didn’t seem to notice, instead grabbing for Jaewoo and Hyunjin’s free hands.
“Then let’s go.”
“Okay.”
It looked like Jaewoo was the only one who had overthought things. The four of them returned home, each holding hands with the others.
‘Aaaah! Time, stop passing!’
Jaewoo prayed and prayed, but the clock continued its cruel march towards the future. The appointed time was getting closer and closer.
Jaewoo dragged himself to the closet door with heavy steps and opened it. ‘Please arrive wearing a suit.’ That had been the request in the text message. But since Jaewoo only owned one suit, it was going to need to be this one again.
As Jaewoo finished getting changed, he felt eyes watching him from behind. When he turned around, he saw Hyunjin and the kids standing there.
“Woah, so cool!”
The children applauded, easily impressed. As for Hyunjin, Jaewoo couldn’t tell what he was thinking at all.
After putting on the suit and combing his hair neatly, Jaewoo thought he looked quite nice. He didn’t know how to apply makeup like before, so he didn’t even try, but his face still looked good.
“Are you going to wear your suit out?”
“Uh huh.”
“It fits you well.”
“Thank you. I bet if we got you a suit, you’d look even better in it.”
Absolutely. Hyunjin was taller and more muscular than Jaewoo, so he was certain he’d look even better in a suit. He just couldn’t be sure because he’d never seen Hyunjin wear one. Next time, should he try to coax Hyunjin into letting him buy him a suit? Then he could take him to a bar or something and teach him how to drink like an adult. Jaewoo laughed heartily at his own thoughts. How could he teach him how to drink with his lousy alcohol tolerance?
“Have a good time.”
“Mmhm. I’ll be back later.”
Jaewoo looked back several times as he walked out the front door. A thousand thoughts raced through his mind. Should he just go ahead and jump in front of a car? If he got hurt and wound up in an emergency room, wouldn’t Mujin tell him not to come no matter how much he wanted to? Or should he just run away while he could? If he ran, where would he go?
“There’s no choice, I have to go.”
Jaewoo couldn’t stop himself from sighing.
‘I’m not mentally prepared for this!’
He’d probably never be prepared, even as he was walking to his doom. Jaewoo made a strange crying sound. Even though people on the subway were staring at him, he couldn’t seem to stop. Why was this place so far away?
His destination was in downtown Seoul.
“Welcome.”
Dongsoo greeted Jaewoo, standing in front of an ordinary-looking building. There was a small door behind him that seemed to be where they were going.
‘A membership VIP bar.’
This was the sort of place Jaewoo had only ever seen on TV or in novels. He’d never thought he’d actually visit one in real life. Jaewoo sighed deeply.
“Please come in.”
Now he was really entering hell. Jaewoo’s heart was pounding like crazy, and for some reason, he wished Hyunjin was there.
“Follow me.”
Jaewoo trailed behind Dongsoo as they walked deeper into the building.
The phone was shiny and new. Hyunjin kept turning the screen off and on again several times, but there had been no contact whatsoever.
‘I got greedy.’
He’d known that he’d never be able to build a real relationship with Jaewoo, so he’d convinced himself that he’d be able to give it up, but every time he tried, the greedy voice inside of him kept speaking up, encouraging him. That’s what had happened earlier that day.
As soon as he’d seen the same cell phone model as Jaewoo’s, the greedy little voice had whispered to Hyunjin.
‘If you buy that, you can have the same thing as your hyung.’
Hyunjin shouldn’t have listened to it, but he did. If he worked just a bit more, he could pay off most of it. That had been enough to convince him, and so he’d bought the new phone. Then he’d gotten Jaewoo to add himself as his first contact. That fact alone was enough to make him smile.
But the greed hadn’t ended there. When he’d found out that Jaewoo had other friends, he’d become jealous. The sight of him choosing his friend over himself had made Hyunjin sick to his stomach. It was all his fault for trying to make him choose between them, even though he knew he shouldn’t.
Go out with his friend, or stay with Hyunjin?
It seemed like Jaewoo didn’t know Hyunjin’s thoughts because he’d been roundabout in his speech. Maybe Hyunjin should have been more direct when he spoke to Jaewoo, but he felt like things would have gotten weird between them if he had. There wasn’t actually a lot connecting the two of them, definitely not enough for him to beg Jaewoo not to go see someone else. Jaewoo might have looked at Hyunjin like he was crazy if he tried.
‘I want to stay with hyung for a little longer.’
Eventually, a day would come when Hyunjin wouldn’t be able to be with Jaewoo anymore. Someday, Jaewoo might find someone he loved, and start his own family with them. Wasn’t it okay for Hyunjin to be just a bit greedy until then? He’d never let himself indulge like this before in his life, but now that he had, the ravenous pit inside of him was growing larger and larger, and more and more terrifying.
Never before had Hyunjin felt his heart tremble like this day after day. Sometimes it was enough to make him afraid. Wouldn’t it be great if he could have the courage to act as he pleased?
‘But that may not be possible.’
He couldn’t change reality. Even if he was nervous about Jaewoo meeting someone else, he wouldn’t let him know. That was the right thing to do. Hyunjin’s life would stay the same as it always had.
Hyunjin slowly opened his eyes. The day had passed before he knew it, and now it was time for dinner. He needed to prepare food for the kids.
He entered the kitchen and heated up the soup, then took out the side dishes. However, the image of Jaewoo refused to leave his mind. In particular, how Jaewoo had looked earlier that day before he had left, wearing that suit, kept rising up over and over again. Who had he gotten so dressed up to meet with? It was obvious that it wasn’t someone like Hyunjin.
“Let’s eat.”
“Woo!”
The boys sat down in front of the table.
“Brother, aren’t you going to eat?”
“I’ll eat later.”
“Are you sick?”
“No, it’s nothing like that. I’m going to eat once your uncle gets back.”
“Do you know when that’ll be?”
Hyeonu asked, but Hyunjin just responded with a smile. Jaewoo couldn’t drink, so he’d probably be back before too long. Then Hyunjin would be able to see him in that suit again.
‘It looked good on him.’
Jaewoo’s ankle bones had been clearly visible, and the skinny wrists that had occasionally peeked through the sleeves kept drawing Hyunjin’s eyes. His collarbone had been visible through the open shirt.
‘It looked really good on him.’
Actually, he’d wanted to ask Jaewoo to change into his usual shirts and sweaters, but he knew he didn’t have the right to ask that of him. Instead, he’d just buried it inside his heart because he knew that was what he deserved. He was just a younger acquaintance who happened to know the landlord, so he had no right to meddle in his affairs.
‘I hate it.’
He hated it so much. Hyunjin truly despised it, but there was nothing he could do about it.
‘What is hyung doing now?’
Hyunjin sat down in the corner and leaned against a wall, looking blankly down at his phone. He wondered if Jaewoo would contact him? With that in mind, he waited there expectantly.
However, after a long, sleepless night, no messages arrived, and Jaewoo didn’t return.
Footnotes
누구랑은 하늘과 땅 차이다 – “Compared to anyone else, it’s like the difference between heaven and earth.” – Jaewoo’s basically saying that the distance between Hyunjin’s behavior, and the behavior of the rest of the world is as vast as the distance between heaven and earth. I think it also has some undertones of, once again, “Beautiful cinnamon roll, too good for this sinful earth, too pure.”
