I Became the Lousy Side Top - Chap 65
Jaewoo looked into Hyunjin’s eyes, unable to speak. He recognized the look in those eyes – they were eyes that had given up on everything. Jaewoo’s heart sank.
“No.”
What else could he say? There was so much that he wanted to tell him, so much he wanted to let him know, but there was only one word that kept running through his head.
“No.”
Jaewoo pressed against Hyunjin’s cheeks harder.
“Absolutely not.”
Hyunjin gently touched Jaewoo’s hand as if to comfort him.
“Hyung. Not even real families would do something like this these days. You’ve done enough. I’ll be okay.”
As Hyunjin spoke, the sight of his sorrowful smile was enough to bring tears to Jaewoo’s eyes. Had he really done enough? Jaewoo knew the answer to that.
‘I haven’t.’
While constantly saying that he wanted to help Hyunjin, he’d still been firm about keeping distance between them. Thinking that this world wasn’t real, he’d drawn a line – a high wall between Hyunjin and himself. But now that wall was crumbling.
“I-It’s not okay!”
“Why? Because we’re family? We’re not a real family anyway.”
“That’s not why!”
Tears fell from Jaewoo’s eyes. All this time, he’d been denying his attraction to Hyunjin for a multitude of reasons. Because he wasn’t really Jaewoo, because the person that was meant to be by Hyunjin’s side was Mujin, because this was just a world inside of a novel.
“Don’t cry.”
Hyunjin’s face twisted up as if he had eaten something bitter, and he gently wiped away Jaewoo’s tears, but they just kept falling.
“Why are you crying?”
“I feel like an idiot.”
“Why do you think that?”
This time, Jaewoo wiped away his tears with his own hands. His eyes were blurry from the endless crying, but he somehow managed to clear his sight and grit his teeth.
“How much do you owe?”
“You don’t need to know that, hyung.”
“I need to!”
Hyunjin looked at Jaewoo blankly, then he opened his mouth and named the amount. It was larger than Jaewoo had imagined. Was it even possible for an ordinary person to accrue that much debt? Then he remembered Hyunjin’s father.
He was a man that couldn’t seem to go a day without gambling. If it was someone like him, he might have been able to create that much debt. And since the interest was compounded, it must have increased tremendously.
Jaewoo thought about the money he had available. He didn’t have enough to pay it off outright, but if he used all of it, it would reduce it enough to let them return to the way things were.
“You’ll owe me.”
He said in a firm voice.
“The interest will be minimal and you’ll have as long as you need to repay it. Are those terms good?”
“Those terms are excellent.”
“Right? So, you can owe me some. I can’t repay everything, but we can manage the rest somehow.”
“But, no.”
Hyunjin smiled faintly.
“Why not?”
“I can’t be the cause of your unhappiness.”
“Just being poor doesn’t mean you can’t be happy!”
“No, I make the people around me unhappy. So you’re better off keeping your money.”
Why was Hyunjin still so good, even now? This wasn’t the time to worry about other people’s happiness! Not when he might be thrown into hell soon.
‘Why?’
While Jaewoo was thinking, Hyunjin continued.
“Actually, I was really angry just a little while ago.”
Thunk. Hyunjin knelt down in front of him, his hands on Jaewoo’s arms as he pressed his head against his stomach.
“I was angry that you were hiding something from me. But now that I think about it, did I really have a right to be angry?”
Jaewoo desperately wanted to see Hyunjin’s expression, but he refused to look at him. He just stared down and continued talking.
“What else could I do?”
Hyunjin’s hands clutched at Jaewoo’s arms harder, but Jaewoo neither flinched in pain nor moved away.
“What else could I do!”
Hyunjin was trembling. No matter how hard he tried, he was destined to never be happy. He’d known that, but he’d still yearned for more. And because of that yearning, he’d caused harm to those around him without meaning to. He felt like the solid ground he was standing on was collapsing underneath him. Still, he needed to put on a happy face.
‘Smile.’
Jaewoo was right there, in front of him. Whether this was the last time he’d be able to see him or not, he didn’t want Jaewoo to see him crying.
‘So smile.’
Hyunjin let go of Jaewoo’s arms and raised his face. His eyes widened, and the corners of his mouth lifted up. It was clearly a smile, but the emotions hidden behind it were the opposite. On the inside, he was crying bitter tears.
Jaewoo clenched his teeth.
“Please don’t cry.”
“I’m not crying.”
“Liar.”
Hyunjin’s smile collapsed.
“You lie too, but I never called you that.”
“I’m sorry.”
“You don’t have to apologize.”
Jaewoo’s heart felt tight.
“First, let’s rest for a bit and then we’ll talk some more.”
“But nothing will have changed.”
“For now, get some sleep.”
Hyunjin listened to him more obediently than Jaewoo had expected. Jaewoo waited while Hyunjin laid down on the bed, sitting on a chair next to him. Hyunjin ended up falling asleep before too long, probably because he was exhausted. Jaewoo checked on him, then grabbed his cell phone and headed out into the hallway.
‘What was the number…’
Crouched in the hallway, Jaewoo searched through his vague memories until he came up with Mujin’s number. He quickly entered it into his phone and pressed the call button, listening to the ringtone. It didn’t take long before Mujin picked up.
─ Yes.
Jaewoo took a deep breath.
“Are the terms you laid out last time still valid?”
─ I don’t know what you’re talking about.
Jaewoo was furious at Mujin for pretending that he didn’t know. But right now, he was the one without any leverage.
“The other day…”
He hesitated for a moment, unable to bring himself to say the rest.
“…You said that you would write off all of Hyunjin’s debt if I gave myself to you.”
─ That’s right.
From the other end of the call, Jaewoo could hear him chuckle.
“Is that offer still on the table?”
─ Of course. But the cost has risen just a bit. Someone else made an offer first.
Hyunjin was probably the one who’d made the other offer.
“What else do you want?”
As Jaewoo was about to ask more, his phone was suddenly yanked up, out of his hand. He looked up in surprise and saw Hyunjin holding his phone with a frighteningly blank expression on his face. Hyunjin immediately hung up the call and said.
“It’s a good thing I wasn’t asleep yet.”
“Hyunjin?”
Hyunjin grabbed Jaewoo’s wrist forcefully. He dragged him back inside the room, closing and locking the door behind them.
“What were you thinking, Jaewoo?”
“Huh?”
“I don’t even know you anymore. Do you actually like that gangster? Are you just trying to use my debt as an excuse to go to him?”
Hyunjin’s voice was as cold as ice as he questioned him.
“There’s no way!”
“Then what is it?”
Jaewoo pressed his lips together. Even though he’d realized his feelings for Hyunjin, he didn’t know if telling him was the right thing to do. What difference would it make if he knew? Wouldn’t knowing how he felt just chain Hyunjin down even more? Even now, Hyunjin was trying to keep him safe from Mujin. Jaewoo thought that it was better for him not to say anything.
“If you don’t want to talk, you don’t have to. Just don’t ever get involved with that bastard after this. I’ll give you back your phone later.”
“I need to contact the kids too.”
“I’ll contact them for you.”
Hyunjin took a few deep breaths, then called the children. Fortunately, the kids seemed to be well. Jaewoo could hear a voice chattering through the phone, saying that they were going to sleep soon. A few more seconds, and the call was done.
Hyunjin sat down on the bed again, but Jaewoo continued to stand there blankly. He’d never felt this awkward, not since he’d first become friends with Hyunjin.
“Just go to sleep.”
Hyunjin was the first to lie down on the bed. Jaewoo hesitated, then took a seat on the chair next to the bed. After a while, Hyunjin’s breathing became steady, and Jaewoo wondered if he had really fallen asleep this time.
Jaewoo waved his hand in front of Hyunjin’s face, and even tried poking him, but Hyunjin didn’t move. It looked as if he really was asleep. He’d had a tiring day, so that wasn’t much of a surprise.
Only then did Jaewoo relax and lie down on the bed next to him.
“Hyunjin?”
Jaewoo called his name, but there was no response.
“Actually…”
Jaewoo gently poked Hyunjin once more as he spoke. It would be even harder for him to say anything if Hyunjin was just pretending to be asleep, like before.
“I do too.”
Even though it was only a few words, they didn’t come easily. He hesitated a while longer, then finally spat out the rest.
“I like you, too.”
He’d said it! Jaewoo covered his burning cheeks with his hands and scrubbed them up and down. Even though Hyunjin couldn’t hear him because he was asleep, it was alright – at least he’d said it.
“You’re really asleep, right?”
Jaewoo waited for a while, but Hyunjin still didn’t open his eyes. He seemed to be deeply asleep. Jaewoo wondered what he had been expecting. With a bitter expression on his face, Jaewoo finally stretched out and relaxed.
‘It’s better if he doesn’t know.’
The secret he had just confessed needed to be buried deep in his heart.
Thanks to the situation, he couldn’t afford to sleep for long. Even if he didn’t have a cellphone, there were ways for him to contact Mujin. Once the sun came up, he’d try again. Hyunjin might hate him for it…
‘But you still have a family.’
Hyeonu and Woohee. For their sake, Jaewoo couldn’t let Hyunjin descend into hell. Slowly, Jaewoo’s eyes began to close, although it took a while before he slipped into a restless sleep.
Silently, Hyunjin opened his eyes and looked at the sleeping Jaewoo. He’d slipped into such a deep sleep that it seemed like he wouldn’t wake up anytime soon.
“Jaewoo. Jaewoo-hyung.”
Even when he called his name, the only noise was the soft sound of Jaewoo’s even breathing. The person he liked… Jaewoo had shown Hyunjin what happiness was, but on the other hand, he’d also shown him true suffering. If he’d remained ignorant, he might have accepted his fate with equanimity. After all, he’d always thought that it would happen someday.
“Sometimes I almost resent you, Jaewoo.”
With those final words, Hyunjin stood up. His wet clothes still weren’t completely dry, but they were wearable. Hyunjin got dressed with rough motions, then took one last look at Jaewoo before opening the door and leaving.
Even then, Jaewoo continued to sleep.
