Sissy (Niang Niang Qiang) - Chap 70
Chapter 70
After Li Chengxiu and Li Shuo entered the apartment, they were a little embarrassed around each other. It’s not that Li Chengxiu was unhappy to see Li Shuo again, but Li Shuo appeared in front of him too suddenly, and he didn’t know how to react to it.
Li Chengxiu remembered the time he spent with Li Shuo and was filled with different emotions. Right now, both of them were not sure where they were standing with each other.
Li Shuo seemed to have calmed down a bit, returning to his usual unperturbed state. He sat down on the sofa and gently held Li Chengxiu’s hand: “Chengxiu…” He smiled bitterly, “I haven’t seen you in such a long time. I have a lot to say, but now I don’t even know where to start.”
Li Chengxiu asked simply, “Li-Dage, how are you doing?”
Li Shuo didn’t answer, but instead asked back, “How about you?”
Li Chengxiu smiled: “I’m okay… I found a job…by myself.”
Li Shuo pointed his chin towards the room next door, his eyes a little gloomy, “What’s the deal with him?”
Li Chengxiu’s face slightly changed: “He… He found me and then moved in next door… I don’t want to move anymore…I’m tired of it myself, and Teacup is also not fond of it.”
Li Shuo sighed: “Chengxiu, why didn’t you come to the United States?”
They finally got to the real questions.
Li Chengxiu took a deep breath, and a look of shame appeared on his face: “Li-Dage, I’m sorry… I hurt you… I… I didn’t dare to go.”
Li Shuo looked at him sadly: “I know that was a difficult decision for you to make in such a short time. But if you trusted me more, things would be different now.”
Li Chengxiu’s eyes were red: “I’m sorry…”
Li Shuo looked at him: “Chengxiu, let’s not talk about the past anymore. What about now? We still have a chance. You can still come with me. I have settled all the troublesome affairs. However, after this incident, I’ve been thinking about it a lot. So I sold the company. I’ve worked hard for this business for more than ten years and missed out on a lot of other things, like love, life, time with my family… My father was sick, and I wasn’t even at his side at the time. Now I want a fresh start, I want to do something else entirely. I want to leave Shenzhen…Would you like to come with me?”
Li Chengxiu felt that a big stone was suddenly pressed against his chest. Under Li Shuo’s earnest and sincere eyes, it was difficult for him to pronounce the words of refusal.
There was a time when Li Chengxiu had to go through the depths of despair, helplessness and fear. The damage that was done to him by Shao Qun made him feel burdened by constantly having to walk on thin ice, anxious that Shao Qun might mess with his life again.
Li Shuo was the one who helped him the most during these darkest days. He comforted him, he encouraged him, he gave him a place to stay and gave him warmth that he so desperately needed. Without Li Shuo, Li Chengxiu didn’t know what would have become of him.
So, whether intentionally or not, at that time, Li Chengxiu was using Li Shuo. This made him feel so guilty that he couldn’t even look the man in the eye.
His gratitude to Li Shuo was beyond words, so he stayed by Li Shuo’s side, hoping to really become the gentle lover that Li Shuo wished for.
But no matter how Li Chengxiu lied to himself, deep down he knew that his feelings had nothing to do with romantic “liking”.
Li Chengxiu had poured all his romantic feelings into Shao Qun. He didn’t know how to reverse this process, he could do nothing about it anymore – even if Shao Qun didn’t want any of his feelings, threw them on the ground and trampled all over them, Li Chengxiu still couldn’t take them back.
If he had met Li Shuo first, everything would have been different. But he met Shao Qun first.
This was Li Chengxiu’s fate, and it was his alone. He could no longer implicate Li Shuo in this mess.
Although Li Shuo said that he sold the company out of his own volition, it was clear that if Li Shuo had kept the business, it would have negatively affected the company. Reputation is the bread and butter of an accounting firm. And after 10 years of hard work, it was basically gone now.[13] Li Chengxiu had no idea how to compensate him for this loss and he didn’t dare to do anything that might further harm Li Shuo.
Li Shuo’s expectant eyes gradually dimmed due to Li Chengxiu’s long silence.
Li Chengxiu choked and said, “Li-Dage, I’m sorry…”
Li Shuo fixed his gaze at him and said softly, “When Shao Wen found me, she told me she’d bring me here to take you away. Can you imagine how happy I was? I actually thought I’d never see you again. I thought that this time, we could actually leave together and start a good life…” He took a painful breath: “You said you were sorry. What are you sorry for?”
“I……”
Li Shuo said in a deep voice, “What you should be most sorry for is for disappearing so suddenly!”
Li Chengxiu’s shoulders shook, and his tears started flowing out uncontrollably.
“You know how anxious I was when I heard about your disappearance while stuck on another continent? Why couldn’t you trust me? Why didn’t you wait for me to help you out? You just left all alone out of the blue… Did you even take my feelings into consideration?”
Li Chengxiu couldn’t say anything except “I’m sorry”.
He couldn’t tell whether the decision he made was right or wrong, but if he had to do it all over again, he would still do the same thing.
Li Shuo couldn’t bear Li Chengxiu’s reaction, so he lightly patted him on the back. Yet, there was a deep disappointment on his face.
After that, the two of them talked intermittently about each other’s lives in the last half a year. Before leaving, Li Shuo left his new number: “I will give you some time to think about it. If you have any difficulties, just call me. I will help you with whatever you need.”
Li Chengxiu accompanied Li Shuo to the door. Before stepping out, the man suddenly turned his face and said with a gloomy and slightly embarrassed expression: “Chengxiu, about what Shao Qun said before… Me and his cousin are not what you think…”
Li Chengxiu was slightly surprised, yet he nodded.
“When I was in the United States, Shao Qun asked his cousin to approach me. These kinds of underhanded methods are really despicable, I…” Li Shuo seemed to be very careful about choosing his next words.
Li Chengxiu didn’t know what to say to that.
Although Li Chengxiu was a bit dense, he still intuitively felt that there was something unusual going on between Li Shuo and Shao Qun’s cousin. But he didn’t feel like he could ask anything about that.
Li Shuo frowned and thought for a long time, before finally giving up. He leaned over and kissed Li Chengxiu’s forehead: “This matter is not important. Just trust me, okay?”
Li Chengxiu nodded even though he didn’t quite understand what he meant.
He sent Li Shuo out and saw that Shao Qun, his sister and his cousin were already standing next to the car. Shao Wen’s eyes were red and stern. She gave Li Chengxiu a strict look and then turned around to get into the car.
After the others left, Shao Qun hurriedly approached Li Chengxiu and asked, “What did you talk about with him?”
The appearance of Li Shuo brought back all of Li Chengxiu’s unbearable memories. He remembered what situation Shao Qun had put him in and what it took for him to survive. Now, when he was facing Shao Qun, he naturally had no good feelings towards him.
Without saying a word, Li Chengxiu turned around and walked upstairs.
Shao Qun followed him into the apartment and slammed the door behind himself. His face looked fierce.
Li Chengxiu turned to look at him, wanting to see what Shao Qun was going to do now.
Shao Qun’s breath was rapid, and his palms were sweating: “Chengxiu, what did he say to you? Does that old pervert still have thoughts about you?”
There was a burst of anger in Li Chengxiu’s chest. It came on so quickly that he managed to fiercely say: “None of your business!” He then wanted to throw Shao Qun out immediately.
With a frighteningly gloomy expression on his face, Shao Qun pressed against the wall with both his hands, blocking Li Chengxiu between his body and the door.
Li Chengxiu was shocked: “You…”
Shao Qun stretched out his trembling hand, gently touched Li Chengxiu’s face and said hoarsely, “What did he say to you? Do you want to get back together? Are you going to leave with him?”
Li Chengxiu pushed against Shao Qun, trying to get away.
Shao Qun grabbed Li Chengxiu’s hand, his eyes full of struggle. He gritted his teeth and said, “Chengxiu, does our long time together mean nothing to you? Is Li Shuo a saint in your eyes? And I’m the devil? He’s also just a man who is capable of anything after a couple glasses of wine. So why do you treat him so well and keep hating me? Why can’t you give me a second glance?”
Li Chengxiu’s shoulders trembled: “Let me go…”
Shao Qun gave him a miserable smile: “Let you go? “Let me go”, “Go away”, “Leave”, “Get out”… do you have anything else to say to me besides these words? I am nothing in your eyes, but my heart is also made of flesh and blood. It hurts and it does get sad, when you treat me coldly and flirt with others. It makes me unable to sleep at night… All I want is to have you in my life. So every day I keep putting on thick skin and acting like a total sucker. But you still refuse to believe me. Are you some kind of celestial being[14] that I would go through the trouble of treating myself this way only to deceive you? Why can’t you just believe it? I also have a fucking heart, and all my sincerity is for you…”
Li Chengxiu shook his head and slowly retracted his body, as if he could somehow protect himself in this way.
Shao Qun forcibly lifted his chin and stared into his eyes: “Chengxiu, I admit that I can act like your flunky and kneel in front of you three times a day, if you ask me to. But over my dead body will I watch you getting close to others. Don’t force my hand. I beg you, don’t provoke me. I have no idea what I’m capable of, and I don’t want to hurt you again. I can endure it if you don’t forgive me. I can wait for years to see which one of us will turn out to be more stubborn. But if you ever get together with somebody else, I don’t know what I’ll do…”
Shao Qun’s icy fingers rubbed against Li Chengxiu’s face, and there was a hint of sadness in his eyes. The coldness of these fingertips hit Li Chengxiu right in the heart. He looked into Shao Qun’s bottomless eyes and shuddered.
He had a feeling that Shao Qun had weaved countless invisible nets all over his body, and every single thread was pierced through his flesh, surrounding him tightly. He couldn’t escape, no matter where he went. There was no way to get out of bondage created by this one and only person.
Li Chengxiu was so frightened that his legs became weak.
This intense, raw feeling shook him to the core. He once loved this person so much, so no matter how he tried to prevent himself from falling into the trap, he couldn’t stay completely indifferent hearing all these affectionate confessions repeated over and over again. For this reason, every time he saw Shao Qun, he got scared. He feared hearing those beautiful words again, afraid that he couldn’t suppress his own feelings, even if he tried very hard.
But Shao Qun was like a sharp sword. The closer he got, the more serious the injury became. Li Chengxiu had learned his lesson numerous times, so he couldn’t help remembering what the price was.
Shao Qun wiped his face and said hoarsely, “Chengxiu, why do you have to torture yourself and me like this? You can find a thousand reasons to hate me, but can you maybe find even half a reason to start over with me? You used to like me before. I beg you to like me again, okay?”
Li Chengxiu was heartbroken. This person who had mercilessly trampled all over his sincerity dared to ask him to rely on him again? Li Chengxiu had no more feelings left, he was long used up – his body was dry, and his heart was empty. How could he like him again?
“Liking… you? You don’t want it… you… you don’t deserve it…”
Shao Qun felt such an unbearable pain as if his body was about to be split apart. He laughed miserably, retracted his arms, slumped his shoulders and gave Li Chengxiu a thumbs up: “Chengxiu, I used to think you were such a sissy. I was so fucking wrong about that. Not only are you as manly as they come, your heart is damn ruthless too. You don’t even see blood when you’re stabbing someone to death.”
Li Chengxiu pushed him away.
Shao Qun tightly clenched his fist: “My sister won’t bother you for the time being… Unless you see Li Shuo again, we return to the status quo, right? I’m going back to being a hard-working, shameless neighbor. That’s enough then.”
After Shao Qun left, Li Chengxiu cried on the sofa for a long time.
It seemed that his life was just getting harder and harder no matter what he did. He didn’t know who was at fault, but whichever way he went, the results were always miserable.
There was just one being in this world that truly belonged to Li Chengxiu and that was not going to abandon him in any case. Other than that, he was his own master. However, he knew very well that if he went on a run together with Teacup, he would never dare to return to Shao Qun.
Every pore in his body remembered Shao Qun’s smell. Shao Qun was the most intense presence in Li Chengxiu’s memory. Whether these memories were beautiful or painful, they were going to stay with him for the rest of his life. Shao Qun was a poisonous seed planted deep in his heart. He couldn’t let this thing grow, otherwise he would enjoy the short moment of warmth and then won’t be able to live anymore, once Shao Qun abandons him again.
Li Chengxiu cried for a long time before he finally made up his mind and called his landlord.
“Hello…Li-Jie[15], I’m not going to rent the apartment anymore…”
From the moment Shao Qun appeared in front of him again, Li Chengxiu knew that sooner or later this moment was bound to come.
He just didn’t expect it to come so quickly, though. He originally hoped that he could at least wait until Teacup grew up a bit and got less skinny and fragile. On that day, they could just disappear together. But right now, he didn’t have any other choice anymore.
Shao Qun was acting more attentive and considerate day by day. He got more gentle and helpful.
The same Shao Qun, who wouldn’t lift his finger to pick up a broom that fell in front of him, was now even learning to cook to curry favor with Li Chengxiu.
Li Chengxiu knew that he had a tendency to be soft-hearted. He could deal with it when others humiliated him or treated him badly. But he really couldn’t turn a blind eye towards kindness. But it was clear that under no circumstances could he soften his heart towards Shao Qun.
So escape was the only option.
Li Chengxiu quietly made an appointment with Li-Jie to let her check the premises. He settled the deposit, the rent, his water and electricity bills, as well as a series of other formalities. By the end of the day, Li Chengxiu was ready to leave.
He had no idea where exactly he was going, but he was definitely going as far away as possible.
He had heard from his colleagues before that Sichuan[16] was a good place to live due to its good climate and low cost of living.
The only places Li Chengxiu had visited in his life were his hometown and a few cities in Guangdong. He had only heard about other places from the mouths of other people. So when he was thinking about where to go, he could only come up with a few ideas.
He was very reluctant to resign from the company.
Li Chengxiu had just gotten a foothold at the firm, and they were even providing him with insurance. If he stayed there for a long time, he could actually live a carefree life with no monetary issues until he got old. But, as it happened again and again, due to Shao Qun he had to give this opportunity up.
Fortunately, the results of his physical examination were still delayed, so he could just pretend that he forgot all about the medical insurance and hand in his resignation with less embarrassment.
The boss was not happy about the situation. He lost his temper at Li Chengxiu and finally made him stay for another two weeks, so he could at least manage to find a replacement.
Since Li Chengxiu’s lease was also expiring in two weeks, he agreed.
After he got home that day, he began to pack away some rarely-used things first. Just as he was packing, somebody knocked at the door.
Li Chengxiu straightened up and just silently stared at the door panel for a long time, ignoring the knocking. He thought it could only be Shao Qun.
Shao Qun didn’t seem to give up – he kept knocking and knocking. And the more he knocked, the more impatient he became. The last couple of knocks were so powerful that the door seemed to be barely hanging on.
Li Chengxiu couldn’t take it anymore, so he rushed over and opened up.
Shao Qun’s face was fierce and his eyes were red, as he threw a piece of paper towards Li Chengxiu. Hoarsely he said: “You resigned again? So you are willing to quit a job that you like so much? Where are you going this time? Do I disgust you to such an extent that you need to keep running away again and again?!”
[1] 6 megapixel-cameras were standard around 2010, I think. My current phone actually has 12 mp, so at least I’m doing better than Chengxiu.
[2] Oh, he’s doing quite well around this time during his adventures in “Winner takes All”.
[3]International Workers’ Day – public holiday almost everywhere except the US.
[4] Could also mean “chaste”. But here the joke is probably in comparing Li Chengxiu to a “virtuous wife”.
[5] I reread this line several times, but that’s what it says (不 (NOT) 算(consider)淫乱(promiscuous)). The guy is delusional.
[6] 102° F
[7] She actually calls him “Xiao Li Zi” (小李子), where “xiao” is “small”, “li” is his last name, and “zi” is “child”. However, 李子 (“lizi”) together means “plum”. So it could be that she is referring to Chengxiu as “Little Plum”.
[8] You’re confused? I’m also fucking confused bro~
[9] Funnily enough, Shao Qun is still using the term 宝贝 (baobei) here. This is how he referred to Chengxiu in the past, and also how he and his friends refer to their kept lovers/sex workers in the club. Maybe I’m reading too much into this but it makes one think, whether his attitude has *really* changed.
[10] That would total to around 3USD per workday. You could probably get a very cheap meal from a street vendor for that kind of money.
[11] 15 USD for a bus ride XD
[12] He actually tells Li Shuo not to touch “his person”. It sounds a bit awkward in English, so I chose to go with “him”. But I think it’s still an important nuance.
[13] Just a reminder: Shao Qun dug up a case of illegal loans that Li Shuo was implicated in to keep him trapped in the US. Although the case was dropped later, and Li Shuo was in no danger of being arrested anymore, the case still made some waves in the business world. Thus, his reputation as an honest accountant was kind of ruined. “Winner Takes All” gives a more detailed explanation of what happened and what led him to selling his company.
[14] He uses the word 天仙 which means a “Goddess”/ a “fairy” or a “female immortal”. I used “fairy” at first but due to certain connotations in the English language (hehe), decided to go with something divine but gender-neutral.
[15] He is calling his landlord “Elder Sister Li” or “Li-Jie” not because she is actually his sister but because she is a lady older than him, whom he is addressing slightly informally.
[16] A province approx. 18-hour drive away from Shenzhen. It’s cold in the winter and hot in the summer. While the cost of living without rent in Shenzhen is around 700 USD, the cost of living in e.g. Chengdu (Sichuan) would be around 500 USD.
